Recently I was watching a police show. In the show the detective said to move from suspicion to conviction three things must be established: (1) Motive (2) Opportunity and (3) Evidence.
It got me thinking about being a victim so let’s apply it to that. (I’m not referring to being a victim of a crime in this article. It’s possible to be a victim of almost anything.)
MOTIVE – What’s your motive for being a victim? Some people call this the “pay-off.” What do you get out of being a victim? Your first response may be, “Nothing! I don’t like being a victim!” You’re right, no one really does. But we do benefit somehow, even if you don’t realize you’re benefiting or if it seems warped. Maybe it’s the attention you get when you call people to cry on their shoulder or yell and vent. It feels good to let it out. At the end of the day, though, it doesn’t do you any good to do that because it keeps you in victim mode. Let’s face it, most of the people we call when we’re upset are those that care about us. They will agree with us because they care. Contrary to popular belief, agreeing with us isn’t helping us, it’s keeping us stuck in victim mode.
You might be the type of person who no matter what abuse is being hurled your way, you keep a smile on your face. When people ask you how you are, your first response is, “Great! Everything’s great!” It’s socially acceptable to respond that way, but you may not be doing yourself any favors to continually deny to yourself you are fine when you are not. Your pay-off in this scenario may be that you can continue to stick your head in the sand and stay nice and secure in denial land. Please understand this is not a criticism, we all do this at some point in our life.
Victims generally don’t like to take responsibility. They’d rather complain and blame or stay in denial. When we’re a victim oftentimes we’re in a tough situation. Most of us don’t like to take action to get out of that so it’s easier not to. In the long term it catches up with us because either the situation gets worse or we get worse physically, mentally or emotionally.
OPPORTUNITY – What are your opportunities for being a victim? Identify those relationships or situations in which you feel like you are a victim. Someone abusing you at home or at work? (Abuse can take many forms.) Feel like your noisy neighbor is doing it on purpose to upset you? What is the situation or opportunity that puts you into victimhood?
EVIDENCE – Now look for the evidence of how your victimhood plays out. Do you call people thinking they are supporting you but really they are helping you stay stuck in being a victim? Are your addictions flaring up? Eating too many chips? Hand always in the cookie jar? Are you smoking, drinking, drugs, shopping etc? BTW calling people to complain about your miserable life not only keeps you in victimhood it is an addiction of sorts too.
Are you under-achieving? Not living up to your full potential? Not accomplishing anything you set out to? Not getting the promotions you want? Your business isn’t doing so well? Can’t find the job you feel you really deserve? These are all symptoms of being a victim. A victim by definition is someone who feels powerless, like they have no control or choice in their life. If you are under-achieving you aren’t stepping into your full power, therefore you are dis-empowered, which is what a victim is.
The opposite of being a victim is being empowered. Feeling like no matter what happens, you are ok, safe and in control of your reactions. Empowered people’s lives are on track. They are living to their full potential. They are aware of their talents and gifts and are using them.
It doesn’t feel good to stay in victimhood. The first step to get out of it is to know you are in it. Once you can break the victim pattern, you can free yourself up to lead a fulfilling, empowered life.
If you would like help releasing your journey as a victim, that is something I specialize in. Please see my coaching page by clicking here.
If you suspect you are a victim and want to clear that out, emotional stuff will come out. In that case, you may want to download my free eBook on Emotional Pain and Healing by clicking here.