Looking for Besties in All the Wrong Places?

Want to Feel Special Only to Find Out You’re Not?

Ever have a friend who makes you feel special, but then dumps you for someone else? Or keeps you but moves their attention to the latest friend?

Recently I wrote a blog post about players. They are who they are and most don’t change. They’re with you for a little while, then they move on.

Friends can be like that too.  That type of behavior isn’t limited to romantic relationships.

Friend Collectors

Some people are “friend collectors.” You know them on Facebook – they literally have the most friends. They probably don’t know most of them, but they sure are proud of their number of friends.  Even outside of social media they probably have a wide social circle. They may hang out with some, not with others. They may talk to some a lot, not as much with others. They’re probably extroverted and like having a lot of friends or acquaintances.  That’s ok, that’s their style. Just maybe not yours.

If, however, you prefer a smaller circle of friends, most of whom you can share your secrets or deep desires with, you may not feel as comfortable with these friend collectors. That’s ok. Friend them on Facebook if you like. Keep them in your contact list. Know they may not be in your inner circle and you won’t be in theirs. A lot of people like that don’t have an inner circle. Either because they tell everyone everything or they don’t share much with anyone.

If you’re like me and you prefer a smaller circle of good friends, you can get hurt by those social butterflies or friend collectors if you don’t understand their style. You think you’re their good friend only to find out you’ve been replaced by the “friend du jour” or you’re just one in a long list.

Many years ago, I got hurt by a friend just like that. I thought we were good buds only to find out she was good buds with everyone. Not that she can’t be good buds with other ladies, of course she can. It was the way she lured me in thinking we were closer than we were. Just when I thought I was being invited over for the double-date, I found out she invited another couple over instead. I thought I was being called for the play-date as a first choice only to find out I was the back-up playdate. If no one else said yes, she’d call me. That didn’t feel very good to me. No one likes to be a second choice.

Don’t Try to Make Them Someone They’re Not

If you know someone like that know that’s who they are. Don’t try to make them your one and only bestie because they have lots of besties.  Don’t expect to be the only one they tell their secrets to because they probably tell everyone or none.  They like to get around and basically, friend collect. Maybe one of you reading this is like that. It’s ok, you are who you are. No judgment. We don’t all have to be alike. We don’t all have to prefer small or large social circles.

It’s ok to be friends with this type of person. Like with any type of person, know what you’re getting into. If you want a more exclusive friend, this type of person isn’t a fit. Keep them as an acquaintance. They’re great to invite to parties because they like to get around and meet new people.

It’s about knowing what type of people you want as friends. Not that some are good and some are bad. Some people aren’t a good fit for what we want. Just like with players. They’re not a good fit for those who want a committed relationship.

A Reason or a Season

People come into our life for a “reason or a season.” Some aren’t destined to stay in our lives. We learn something from them, we move on. The lady I referred to earlier taught me a valuable lesson. She wasn’t a bad person, she just wasn’t the type of person to keep in my inner circle. She liked a wide circle, I like a small one. She helped me to define the type of relationships I prefer. We all have our preferences. Different people are what makes the world go ‘round. It’s healthy to have all types of relationships.

“Don’t expect what someone isn’t willing to give.” I think that’s a famous phrase. If not, I’ll take credit for it. LOL If someone doesn’t want to be a bestie, don’t expect it of them. Don’t try to make it happen. Find someone who’s a better fit for you who likes exclusivity, small circles.

For the friend collectors of the world, they’re not going to try to make you a bestie because that’s not their style. Or if they do, it’ll be a bestie of many. They’ll invite you to their parties, they’ll ask you to double date sometimes. That’s the type of relationships they prefer. If you want to go to their party, go. Put them in your outer circle, not your inner one. That way you don’t get disappointed when they don’t offer you what you’re looking for.

Go in With Your Eyes Open

As I said with my post on players, go in with your eyes open. If you know they friend collect and you want to be their friend, go with it. Don’t expect all the extras and perks just for you.  It doesn’t happen that way with them. If you aren’t interested in social butterflies, cut them loose.

Know who you are and what you like in a friend and seek out that type of person. I realize probably everyone reading this is over thirty, but you’d be amazed at how many of us adults still don’t understand this. It’s ok, that’s why I’m here, to fill you in.

It’s better to have learned a lesson, than not at all. It’s better to have had a friend than not at all.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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