Turn Cyndi Lauper’s lyrics “Girls just a wanna have fun” into “complainers just wanna complain.” That sums it up.
Do you know a “Debbie Downer?” You know, the one that sucks the fun out of the room? The person who constantly complains, nothing is ever good enough, nothing ever goes right? Yeah, that person. I know a few of them and I bet you do too. They are draining to say the least.
The Psychology of a Complainer
Complainers drain our energy because they just want to complain. They don’t want to take action because it’s more fun to complain. Complaining gives them a sense of purpose, it’s something to do. If you take it away, they are lost and their identity is threatened.
It’s also a way to communicate. “Misery loves company” as the saying goes so once someone starts complaining, it opens the door for others to join in. Now there’s a conversation going. Oftentimes socially awkward people will be the biggest complainers because they don’t have anything else to talk about because they often have no life. It can become a form of entertainment for them.
And they don’t realize that constant complaining drives people away, not bring them together, unless of course they have a posse of complainers. Even then it can lead to the one-upmanship mentality of outdoing each other’s complaints. Only other negative people would want to be in that group. They want you to be a lifetime card-carrying member of their exclusive pity party. Pass on that one.
Complainers tend to have a chip on their shoulder. They are the victims of the world. Nothing ever goes right for them because somehow, they are being “punished” or they are singled out for the worst things to happen to them only. They feel they are the ones drawing the short stick in life so therefore the world has conspired against them. This leads to them seeing the world as a negative place, which generates more complaints. It’s a vicious cycle.
Because of their perceived “sorry lot in life” complainers ultimately want sympathy. They crave the “poor you” response. They want you to agree with their hardships and validate them. A mentally healthy person would not want sympathy for a cr*ppy life [because who really wants that?] but no one said chronic complainers are mentally healthy. A “you done me wrong song” could definitely feature these people.
Garden variety complainers, meaning those who may not fall into the above categories, could be people simply unhappy with their life. They are so unhappy that their suffering is apparent in all of their complaints. Fulfilled, busy people don’t complain. They don’t have time and they don’t need to. If you know someone like this, it might be a distress signal that they need help to sort out their life or just a shoulder to lean on.
A complaint here and there doesn’t make you any of the above. We all do it from time to time. Venting, a form of complaining, is actually very healthy. Venting or expressing your feelings about a negative or difficult situation is a good way to get things off your chest, to process, to heal. There’s a time and place for venting and it should be done in limited doses otherwise it’s treading into the chronic complaining territory.
Their Motivations
Complaining can be an illusion of control. It makes the complainer think they are able to protest, to make their opinion known. They may not go so far as to lodge a formal complaint because that would be taking action.
Or they may barrage management or whomever with complaints as if complaining is their day job so they feel that they are heard. The conflict adverse will just gripe under their breath and do nothing because it’s safer for them to sit in the background. Those that aren’t afraid of conflict will complain head on but they still aren’t seeking solutions.
It can be frightening to directly address a problem and ask for something new, a change, to occur. Change can be scary for most people. If they complain without doing anything, they don’t feel any consequences. It’s no skin off their back so why rock the boat? It’s easier to complain. Let someone else handle it.
That’s where you come in.
Don’t Get Sucked In
“I’m a fool to do your dirty work, oh yeah. I don’t wanna do your dirty work, no more
I’m a fool to do your dirty work, oh yeah” – Dirty Work, Steely Dan
Since complainers don’t want to fix the issue for all the reasons listed above, they might try to manipulate you into doing their dirty work for them. They get you all riled up so you complain to management or the offending party. They could be doing this unintentionally as complaining is second nature to them.
Especially if you are a person with a sense of justice you might get unknowingly pulled into this. You think you’re helping the situation when actually you are enabling them. Unless of course, the complaint is legit.
Oftentimes, complainers don’t complain about legit situations, but sometimes they do. Don’t get into the habit of fighting their battles for them because they will rely on you and you could end up looking bad. Now you’re the one filing all of the complaints while they sit in the background watching it all play out. They used you.
They could also be manipulating you into taking action for them intentionally. Some people, sadly, enjoy seeing others do their dirty work. And enjoy it more when the justice warrior now is seen as the tool for vengeance, not a force for good. The pressure is off of them. You may think you’re setting the record straight or triumphing right over wrong but in reality, unless the complaint is legit, you’re falling right into their manipulative little hands. You are now taking the heat. Don’t fall for it.
What to Do About Them
First and foremost, don’t try to convince them the object of their complaint isn’t so bad. They’ll argue til the cows come home because their identity is now threatened. If you tell them things aren’t as bad as they say they’ll come up with ten more reasons why they are. If you tell them they’re over-reacting, you’ll get a laundry list of why they’re not in response.
To shut them down before they get on a rant, express sympathy. “I know your day didn’t go as planned, but we really need to get these things done so I hope you can bear with me.” Don’t let them dwell on all the things that went wrong today or the one hot button they can’t let go of.
After you’ve expressed your sympathy, use the best tool in a toddler parent’s tool kit: distraction. Let them have their moment, a quick moment, then change the conversation. Re-direct. “Gee, sorry you had a bad day, let’s talk about dinner!” That may not satisfy them so keep on re-directing. Or they may discuss dinner then pick up where they left off. Be prepared for that and have another distraction ready. “Oh, gee, I didn’t realize I didn’t call this person back. I have to go do that!”
Because their hardships are embedded in their personality, it becomes their identity. As such, they really don’t want advice or solutions. Anything that’s perceived to take away their hardship is threatening to their identity. Solutions, therefore are not welcomed. They will give you ten reasons why those won’t work. Don’t bother with the solutions, they don’t want them.
Or they will get upset because in their mind you don’t really understand how unsolvable and awful their problems really are. In other words, you can’t take it away from them and they don’t want you to! So, don’t. Yes, that means they can be very frustrating. Healthy people want solutions, unhealthy people do not. Don’t bang your head against the wall trying to help.
Set your boundaries. Sure, let them continue for however long you can stand, but then move along. It’s not good for your mental health to get caught up in this. It’s exhausting and never-ending because chronic complainers generally never stop.
If the chronic complainer is a loved one or good friend let them know how their constant complaining is affecting you and even them if you think they’ll hear you. They may not. If they do, great. Suggest they get help or at the very least read about it or watch a video. You have to protect you. You can’t help them or make them stop.
If they lack awareness of just how debilitating their behavior is and you clue them in, they may be open to change. As proof, in the back of their mind they may realize it’s cost them relationships, maybe even jobs. It depends on the person if they’re open. It’s worth a shot.
If it’s a co-worker or acquaintance, limit or end your contact. Even loved ones may need to be on the no-contact list if they can’t stop. Now is the time to clean out your database! With ascension coming, we all need to raise our consciousness. Part of that is weeding out the negative influences and it may be them dragging you down. Don’t let their negative energy stop your ascension. See this for what it is and move along. Keep your energy high with as few impediments as possible.
*Stay tuned to part 2 on the consequences of complaining next week. They may not be what you think!
If you aren’t sure if you are a complainer or why you do it, ask your best friend, your intuition. It can confirm what you suspect.
If you want to learn how to listen to it, how to talk to it and how to trust it by CLICKING
HERE.
Once you start listening to your intuition, you’ll be amazed how much your life clicks into place. Then you can truly start enjoying yourself. CLICK HERE to find out more!
