Have you ever broken up with someone only to regret it later? Or been broken up with and want them back? What do you do?
Getting back together with someone or not is a very personal choice so I wouldn’t advise either way. However, there are some things to consider.
If the relationship wasn’t that great to begin with, ending it could be the best thing, even if it wasn’t your choice. Or not. Sometimes we’re willing to settle. Sometimes we still love the person, even if it is misguided. I’m not here to judge. Plenty of people stay in toxic or loveless relationships. That’s their choice. If it works for them or they think it’s working for them, then let them.
We Don’t Hear or See It
When relationships end is often when we hear the truth from our friends. “I never liked him anyway!” Why didn’t you tell me? “Because I didn’t want to upset you.”
The fact is, sometimes our friends or family do tell us they don’t care for the person we’re dating. But, as is often the case, we’re head over heels in love or lust so we completely disregard their feedback. Then the inevitable happens. Then our friends either pipe up for the first time or repeat what they said earlier, when it fell on deaf ears.
If your friends thought he was toxic when you first started dating, more than likely they still think he’s toxic when you broke up. That should be a cue to you that getting back together isn’t the best idea. But sometimes you don’t want to hear it or can’t see it.
How to Get Through a Break Up
This past week-end I did a reading for a woman we’ll call lady X who was in the throes of a heart-wrenching break-up. As she went through multiple tissues her pain was palpable. I get it. Some of us have had horrible break-ups. You can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t think straight. All you can do is cry. That’s fine – for a few days. Feel the grief, the fear, the hurt.
But then you gotta pull yourself together. That looks different for everyone.
In the case of this particular woman, she admitted during the course of our reading that she had compromised her values. She had given in to behaviors she didn’t approve of not just to please her partner, but because she was given an ultimatum: “Do this or I’ll leave you.” Ultimatums are not only unpleasant, they’re not fair. He was asking more of her than she wanted to give. But she agreed in hopes of keeping him.
Her wonderfully supportive friend we’ll call lady Y brought her to me for a reading. Lady Y said her goal for lady X was to find herself. Get to know herself again. Love herself. I couldn’t agree more!
The break-up is actually a perfect opportunity for lady X to get her life back together. Do the things that her ex requested of her as part of the reason for the break up. Even though she had been putting them off for years it would benefit her to complete them. Whether her ex will take her back or not upon completion is not the point. She needs to do them for herself regardless.
Steps One and Two
Step number one – do those things that have been hanging over your head, whether your ex requested them of you or not. Take care of the things need to get done like correcting a health issue, fixing a broken window or finalizing your divorce from a previous ex. Whether you get back together with your ex or not, do them for you.
Step number two – use this time for reflection. Is lady X really happy with her compromised self? Can she really continue those behaviors that she didn’t want to do in the first place? Is she happy with herself?
Because let’s face it, if he won’t take her back, then she’s forced to have a Plan B. What can she do to make herself happy again? Find herself again? Find that inner strength? YES!
When someone breaks up with us and we don’t want it, it’s common to be upset and to feel bad about ourselves. It’s easy to sink down dark rabbit holes of what did I do wrong? Am I good enough? While it’s never good to slide down too far, it’s ok in my opinion to have a few days of grief and tears. Then get back up again. Take those introspective questions seriously – maybe there really is something you could’ve done better. Maybe there is something you could improve about yourself.
Not all of us can be like Avery in Jerry McGuire. Her response to his break-up never left me. After punching him in the gut she yelled, “I won’t let you hurt me, Jerry. I’m too strong for you!” There was no way that woman was going to go home and eat a gallon of ice cream to satiate her sorrows! She’s probably the type to put on her dancing shoes and go out for a night of revelry.
We’re not all wired like her, though.
But we can get there.
Step Three
Step three – Day by day, piece by piece, it’s best to start picking yourself back up. Find your strengths, your positive qualities, get to know yourself again. If you lost yourself in the relationship, not only do you need to find yourself again, ask yourself why did you lose yourself in the first place? If you compromised yourself and your values for your partner, why? Do you really want to do that again?
Ask yourself the hard questions. Was your self-esteem that far in the dumper that caused you to make all those compromises? Are you so afraid to be alone that you’ll settle for just about anyone – even someone who is abusive? Do you not believe in yourself?
While those aren’t pleasant questions to address, they’re what will help you grow. And find yourself.
There is a distinct possibility your ex won’t take you back. Instead of meeting a clone of this person who’s also toxic or not the best fit, put your energy into making yourself the best that you can be. Not only will you feel better about yourself, it will enable you to attract someone better. Someone who is a better fit or treats you better or has the same values. Wouldn’t that feel better?
When we raise our vibration by feeling better about ourself and improving ourself, we attract someone more like our new self. Make that your goal.
Step Four
Step four – avoid temptation whenever possible to make contact when it’s still so raw, especially if they requested that you don’t. I’ve heard many stories about this that have backfired. Try not to prostrate yourself to your ex. You may feel the urge to call or send a drunk text, but if the end result is humiliation and rejection, what did you gain other than confirmation that this wasn’t such a great idea?
After all the positive energy, good suggestions and guidance given to lady X, she succumbed and called her ex the same night of our reading. Outcome? He shut her down and said don’t call me anymore! The end result was more heart-ache.
We all have our moments of weakness. When it happens, do your best to resist. If you can’t, learn from it.
If it helps to tell yourself that you were too good for him/her, then do it. Just don’t let it go to your head. You are a good person but no need to adopt a “holier than thou” attitude permanently. See the situation for what it really is.
When it’s all said and done you may see what your friends have been saying and realize that you don’t want him/her back! Or maybe you cleaned up your act to be a better fit for him/her. That’s inner strength.
If you’re not sure if it’s best to get back together with someone, ask your best friend, your intuition. It will know. It will guide you. It will help you identify what what’s important to bring up and what’s not…if you ask it!
If you want to learn how to listen to it, how to talk to it and how to trust it by CLICKING
HERE. I developed this easy-to-follow online course because people like you asked me to.
Once you start listening to your intuition, you’ll be amazed how much your life clicks into place. Then you can truly start enjoying yourself. CLICK HERE to find out more!
