Sometimes we find ourselves in difficult situations, even if they are self-imposed. Maybe you are a care-giver taking care of an elderly parent or spouse. Maybe you are staying in a relationship even though it’s not optimal. Maybe you are putting up with a job until you retire or can find a new one.
These all have one thing in common.
You chose it.
That’s not nothing. Choices are very powerful.
Even though you chose it, it’s ok to have a bad day. It’s ok to get tired of your situation. It’s ok to wish it were different. Anyone would get burned out.
That’s when it’s best to remind yourself that you chose it.
Not to make you feel guilty or bad or hopeless. But to empower you. Yes, empower you. No one forced you to stay, you got to make that decision. You can counter that with many responses such as, “I’d look bad if I didn’t.” or “People would judge me harshly if I left.” Or “I’d be stupid to leave now.” Maybe those are true, but what other people think doesn’t matter. Or it shouldn’t. Stay for your reasons.
Or if you are staying because you worry what others would think or you’re guilting yourself into it, then be ok with that.
Accept Your Choice
Accept that you made a choice. That’s no small thing. Choices are extremely powerful. Imagine a world if we didn’t have choices? Yeah, let’s not go there. Pretty awful. Therefore, be grateful that you have the power of choice. And this is the choice that you made. Be ok with it. Don’t judge yourself for it.
There are no good or bad choices. It’s the way we look at them. It’s also how we look at the actions that result from our choice. “I choose to stay with him” is a neutral statement. “I am staying with him,” also neutral, is an action as a result of your choice to stay. “I’m stupid for staying with him because he’s hopeless” is not only a judgement statement about both of you, it’s belittling your choice.
Can you see the difference?
Do you feel the difference?
The first statement exudes power because you are exercising a choice. “I choose to stay with him.” Boom.
“I am staying with him,” also exudes power because it’s the action behind a powerful tool, choice.
“I’m stupid for staying with him because he’s a hopeless.” Wow, the energy just dropped a ton after I read that one. The judgement in that statement is oozing out like pus out of a wound. Sorry to be gross, but that’s the image that I was given to show how toxic that statement really is. Not only are you berating yourself for your choice, you’re berating him. It’s screaming, “If he’s that bad, then why are you with him?”
Because you chose to. For your own reasons.
It’s Ok that You Made That Choice
You are not a bad person if you choose to put yourself in a difficult situation. If you think you are, then please don’t. You have your reasons and being bad isn’t one of them. No one should judge you for your choice and that includes you. It’s ok that you chose it. Maybe it wasn’t a great choice, but it was your best option.
That doesn’t mean that you don’t get tired of it or have momentary regrets. It’s ok. Have them. But then realize you are doing this for a reason. Remind yourself of your reasons if you need to. Or if it’s truly that bad, maybe it’s time to re-visit your reasons.
The biggest thing to remember is this: Temporary situations don’t last. It’s hard to remember that in the moment, but “this too shall pass.” Working in a burn-out job can be exhausting. Recharge yourself. Take some time off, go away for a week-end, do what you have to do. Then remind yourself – it’s only temporary.
Situations, while they may seem that way at the time, don’t last forever. When we’re in it, it’s hard to remind ourselves of that or see the light at the end of the tunnel.
See it Differently
The solution? Gain some perspective.
To do so may mean a mental holiday or a week-end getaway.
Or it can change in an instant.
How is that possible?
It’s all about the re-frame, the perspective, how you see it, how you let it affect you – or not.
While you’re in it, it may seem like it will last forever. It drags on and on. But like a toddler temper tantrum, it can be over quickly. We just can’t see it when we’re in it, just like it’s hard to ignore a toddler having a melt-down.
It’s Only Temporary
When a child has a tantrum, you may question why you wanted to become a parent. Then it blows over and everyone is happy again. It didn’t last. The situation re-set. All is well. Whatever your situation is, it won’t last forever either. It may seem like it. It may be a long-term situation. But like all others, it won’t last. It just may take some time to be over. Remember it’s only temporary, even if temporary isn’t short.
That may not be comforting at the time, but what else do you have? Sitting around telling yourself how awful it is? Complaining to everyone else? That doesn’t help.
When my son was a toddler there were difficult days as with most toddlers. Some days I would exasperatedly tell my husband about it. His response was, “It won’t last. He’ll grow up.” On my really frustrating days I wanted to scream out, “Don’t you have anything better to say??? He’ll grow up? Don’t you see what I’m dealing with?” I’m sure there were times when I probably did say something like that.
But I soon realized he was right. I had to take a step back. I had to see it differently. I had to take solace in the fact that it wouldn’t last. Maybe today isn’t such a great day but you know what, in ten years he’ll be grown up and doing his own thing, so enjoy today. Ok, if I can’t enjoy today, make the best of the rest of the day and enjoy tomorrow. That’s how I and many other parents get through the tough days of childhood. Enjoy what you can and when you can’t, remind yourself it won’t last. It never does. Kids grow up, parents get old, jobs end. In the moment it feels like forever, but it’s not. Things do change – eventually.
Tools
When you’re in this hopeless place about to give up or ready to walk away but know you don’t want to, now what? Have some tools that you can reach for in addition to remembering it’s only temporary and feeling empowered knowing it was your choice.
All of that sounds so easy. You may be hoping for better words of wisdom or more profound ways of dealing with this. The profound is often found in the simple. That’s why gratitude works. That’s why mindfulness works.
Be grateful for whatever you can. Find it in the simplest of things. Gratitude changes your energy in an instant. Be grateful your boss isn’t as bad as he could be or your parent’s health isn’t even worse. People and situations can always be worse. Find the nugget to be grateful for. There’s always one. In my son’s difficult days I started to remind myself it won’t last forever and shifted to being grateful that I could be home with him.
Be in the present. Enjoy that sunrise or sunset. Sometimes at night when I close the blinds in our home, I linger to marvel at the beautiful sunset. It’s those little things that can make all the difference. A big difference. They can shift your mood in an instant.
Even in the heat of our sweltering Texas summers I’m thankful for the days it’s only 95 and not 102. It’s not much, but I’ll take it! Find those small things. They add up to one big thing – a mood change. A shift in perspective.
And all of the sudden, the difficult doesn’t seem so hard.
Need some reassurance for your difficult decision? Not sure it was the best thing to do? Who do you turn to?
Ask your best friend, your intuition. It will know. It will guide you. It will help you identify what to deal with now and what not to…if you ask it!
If you want to learn how to listen to it, how to talk to it and how to trust it by CLICKING
HERE. I developed this easy-to-follow online course because people like you asked me to.
Once you start listening to your intuition, you’ll be amazed how much your life clicks into place. Then you can truly start enjoying yourself. CLICK HERE to find out more!
