Whether you’re in some sort of crisis, grieving or even recovering from a major argument, the only way out of it is to get through it.
To stuff our emotions, to compartmentalize or to put them in a box on the shelf to deal with it later always catches up with us somehow. Oftentimes it’s addiction. Or depression. Or mood changes.
Someone I know lost his father many years ago. Of the three sons, he was the closets to his dad. His loss therefore, hit him very hard. He wasn’t dealing with his pain and grief. Many people don’t, especially men. What was social drinking turned into an alcohol addiction. It ruined his marriage, turned his kids away from him and culminated with a kidney transplant to counteract the damage done to his body from drinking. None of which are good outcomes that could’ve been avoided by not turning to the bottle or some other replacement behavior.
That’s a really big example of stuffing or wallowing in emotions, but imagine having a fight with someone close to you. They want to either make-up or they just start acting normally while you’re still reeling from the damage. The way to recover from the fight is let yourself feel the emotions generated as a result – anger, disappointment, betrayal etc. It is totally ok to feel those feelings. You are probably justified. And even if you’re not, they’re feelings, you’re allowed to feel what you feel.
Part of getting through it is calming down, allowing yourself to process what was said, and assess the damage. These are all normal reactions. To just flip a switch and say you’re over a devastating fight isn’t healthy. We can pretend we’re ok, but that only lasts so long, unless we continue to stuff our feelings.
Be Honest and Aware
Another person that I know says she’s over some major family drama, including betrayal, yet almost every text or email that I get from her screams that she is not. How is she coping? From where I’m sitting, it doesn’t look like she really is by bringing it up with me often, especially when the events occurred several years ago. It’s not new news.
She watches youtube videos to help with recovery and attends a grief recovery group. Those are all well and good, but we can also get addicted to something that is a good thing on paper – a recovery group. If you keep going to the same recovery group singing the same song about your tale of woes, how is that improving? It’s not. In my opinion, this person needs some good professional help, not a self-help group or video. Someone to really process with and be called out when she’s drowning in her unproductive feelings. She doesn’t seem to be self-aware enough to realize that she’s still bitter. She’s not being honest with herself by saying she’s over it when her words clearly reflect that she’s not.
Up your awareness level to check in with yourself and your feelings. Be honest with yourself to see if you’re truly over it.
How long should you grieve? Grief in this context can include grieving over betrayal, a huge argument etc. There is no timetable but if it goes on and on for months or years, something isn’t working. Yes, emotions need to be felt, events and facts need to be processed, but there comes a time when it needs to be done. Otherwise comes the risk of wallowing, depression, losing friends or addiction.
There are No Shortcuts
We all want the short cut, the hack. While those are great and can save us a lot of time, money and hassle, they aren’t always the answer. When it comes to emotions, we have to process, we have to feel. If you’ve ever lost a loved one, then you know that it takes time to get through it. A memory can set off a flood of tears. A favorite spot can tug at your heart-strings. A comment can prompt you to want to repeat it to them. It just takes time to stop feeling so sad.
All the niceties that people utter to comfort you really don’t. It may be true, but the “at least they’re in a better place” comment doesn’t replace hearing their voice. They mean well, but the “I’m sorry for your loss” doesn’t quite cut it. The “they’re still with you” comment meant to reassure doesn’t take the place of a real hug. Sadly, it takes time to come to grips with the loss, dealing with the memories, the longing for their company. The only way out of the grief or any other major emotion is through it – feel it.
Don’t Judge Yourself for Feeling
If you had a bad argument and you’re still hopping mad, spouting off profanities alone, it’s ok. Don’t judge yourself for still being mad. Some people get over things quickly, others don’t. You have a right to feel your feelings, whether “good” or “bad.” It’s when feelings are held onto for too long is when it becomes an issue.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re fine when you’re not, like the woman I mentioned above. She thinks she’s fine and tells me she’s fine, but clearly, she’s not. Repeating the trauma isn’t helping her move past it, quite the opposite. The events occurred several years ago. So at this point she ought to be moving on, but she’s still stuck, spitting venom all the while convincing herself she’s over it.
In our Western society we tend to condemn feelings. We think it’s unhealthy to feel them. In our society we tend to “go, go, go” not, “feel, feel, feel.” Feeling is seen as a weakness. Cultures who don’t sing that tune are actually spot on.
Combine Feelings with Movement
Most people scoff at the idea of beating a pillow with a tennis racket to expel anger. It’s actually a healthy tool to get it out of your system. Anything that doesn’t harm others or objects is an excellent way to burn off that excess energy. That’s why people jog or work-out. So why not use it as a healing tool?
My mom was an easy-going person. Her feathers rarely got ruffled. However, when one of my siblings acted up, mom would spell out their name under her breath as she pounded the meat to tenderize it. As kids we’d snicker when she did it, just thinking she was mad at this sibling. Actually, she was using a healthy method to work out her feelings.
Anytime movement is combined with strong emotion, it’s a quicker way to process the emotions. That’s why exercise works so well or even vacuuming or meat tenderizing! Emotions are energy, so why let the energy get stuck inside you? Get it out with physical movement, not just shouting or tears.
Since the only way out is through, next time you need to process some strong emotions, don’t judge yourself for it. Allow yourself to feel them. Pair it with movement and you might find you get over it quicker.
Are you really over something? Are you wallowing too long? Ask your best friend, the one that won’t judge you: your intuition. It will be honest with you. And give you suggestions to move through it if you ask.
If you want to learn how to listen to it, how to talk to it and how to trust it by CLICKING
HERE.
Once you start listening to your intuition, you’ll be amazed how much your life clicks into place. Then you can truly start enjoying yourself. CLICK HERE to find out more!
