Have you ever given a gift to someone only to not receive one in return? Or done something nice for someone with no return gesture?
I have and it hurts. If you let it.
While it’s good manners and an accepted social norm to reciprocate, many don’t. You give them something but get nothing back. That’s how some people are. Maybe they don’t have the money to reciprocate or don’t think it’s that important or weren’t raised with manners. It could be any number of reasons.
Giving objects is one thing, but what about when you give of yourself?
You spend hours helping a friend pack up her house to move, then when it’s your turn, she doesn’t help. Or no matter what happens to your bestie you’re there with a smile, a hug, thoughtful words. Yet when you need support she’s nowhere to be found.
Why is that?
Why they don’t return the favor can be any number of reasons.
Sometimes they have a good reason. It’s when the behavior perpetuates is when it becomes an issue.
When we get hurt or annoyed by it is on us. We expect people to do as we do. To reciprocate, to repay our generosity, to give back. Expecting something in return is like assuming. And we all know what that means. You get burned.
The key is to give selflessly, not selfishly, expecting something in return. It’s like when your mama taught you that Christmas is about the giving, not the getting. If you get something back, great. If you don’t, don’t be sad about it. Give for the sake of giving. Because giving makes us feel good if it comes from the heart.
For years one of my sisters didn’t give Christmas gifts to our family even though we gave to her. It was during the time that her children were young. Their extra cash was allotted to the kids. Since they didn’t have a lot of money, someone had to get the short end of the stick and it was us. It’s true that they created some of their financial issues by spoiling the kids. That wasn’t our business, though.
When it first happened, I was quite shocked to not receive any gifts from her. My mother taught us to give gifts during the holidays so where did this come from? At that point I had a choice to make. I could get mad and resentful or take the high road. When my sister didn’t give gifts, what did I do? I did what I always did – kept giving to her.
Give Because You Want to, Not Because You Have to
Not to toot my own horn, but I didn’t feel it was right to not give her something even though she couldn’t manage to give me something. It was a reflection of her as a person, not just her wallet that she couldn’t manage something. She let her wallet override her. I didn’t want it to be a reflection on me that I didn’t give back. And not because then I’d look bad as in “tit for tat”, but because of how I’d feel about myself.
Some of my other sisters were mad, disappointed, frustrated, you name it. Why were they so upset? They didn’t realize it, but the answer lies in this: they gave so they expected to get in return. As I said before, expecting is like assuming. Don’t do that. Otherwise, what they felt is what all of us would feel: mad, disrespected, hurt, disappointed etc. And that doesn’t feel very good.
Don’t Let it Affect Your Mojo
Having those feelings is harboring negative energy which brings our vibration down. We hurt ourselves in the end, not them. They don’t care. If they did, they’d reciprocate. Or at least explain why they can’t right now with hopefully an intention to make good in the future whether it’s material things or not.
Don’t expect what they can’t give. Memorize that.
That’s where we get into trouble.
An elderly friend of mine lives with her daughter and grandchildren. She is the one who does the cleaning. She is the one who takes care of things, not her adult daughter. Sometimes she’ll vent to me in exasperation, “Why can’t she just help?” or fill in the blank with your own question.
My answer is always the same: because she won’t. So, don’t expect it. Not to sound harsh, but that’s the truth. Her behavior has proven that time and again.
Is it fair? No.
Is it right? No.
As we know, life isn’t always fair. People don’t always do what is right. Or according to what our definition of what right is. That’s a pitfall to discuss another day – what we think is right.
It’s the same thing with romantic relationships. It’s a common theme in readings. “I’ve done all of this for him, why can’t he do it back?” or “I’ve bailed him out so many times, when is he going to help me?” Fill in the blank with your concern.
Because he won’t.
Why?
Stop Expecting
The answer varies depending on the person. Very often though, it’s because he’s a deadbeat. Sorry, experience has shown that to be true most of the time. Whatever the reason, it’s because that person isn’t going to. Don’t expect what someone can’t give.
You can’t get what they cannot [or will not] give.
Where does that leave you?
You can complain about it, get resentful about it, get mad about it but that won’t change it. If you continue to have a relationship with this person whether platonic or otherwise don’t expect reciprocity. It’s not settling. It may feel like it. Others may tell you that, but it’s not.
Accept It
As long as you don’t get caught up in the hurt and resentment, it’s choosing, not settling, to be with someone whether they give back or not. I didn’t divorce my sister. I didn’t stop speaking to her. I just realized that’s who she is. And I accepted it.
Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it.
People get hung up on that.
Did I like the fact that my sister didn’t give back? No. Is that how I would behave? No. Instead I did what I felt was right – continue to give to her without any strings attached. Strings includes not griping about it. Or being resentful or mad. It’s accepting that’s all that she can do. Period.
When you expect someone to give what they can’t, you’ll end up being disappointed etc. That negative emotion only hurts you. Yes, it’s taking the high road. However, if you want to up your ascension game, to increase your vibration, to live a life of contentment, then that’s the best choice.
Otherwise, it’s all downhill from there. And the down slope, descending, is always quicker and often messier than the uphill slope.
I know what I’m choosing. Do you?
The answer to my email…
P.S. If you read my email, the answer is I’m not putting up with her. I’m accepting our differences. It’s not about getting gifts, anyway. It’s about true friendship. Being there for each other, accepting each other no matter what, having fun together.
Some people aren’t gift givers. Some people don’t send Christmas cards. Those are alien concepts to me because I was taught to do so. For whatever reason she doesn’t generally give gifts on important occasions. I’ve learned to accept that about her and be ok with it. Not get mad at her or judge her for not doing what I would do. That’s another common mistake that we make.
Yet sometimes she’ll surprise me with a gift at the most random of times. She’ll drop off a handmade something, totally unannounced. She’s very talented so anything handmade from her is nice quality.
Since I liked her so much, I didn’t write her off the first time I didn’t get a gift in return. It was a learning moment for me because I hadn’t met that many people who don’t reciprocate. At least not people that were important to me, yet not family. It’s when I truly learned to accept people no matter what. It was easier with my sister because she’s my sister. You can’t really get rid of her. I mean, you can, but most people don’t. It’s much easier to end a friendship. And many do, over things just like that.
Don’t be so quick to write people off if you have. If on the balance they have good qualities, keep them on. Learn to accept what they cannot give. And don’t expect it. You’ll be happier that way.
If you’re not sure how good of a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend someone is and their behavior is confusing you, what do you do? Ask your intuition!
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