…but far from good. Wow. That can apply to just about anything.
- A social media presence looks picture perfect, but underneath…
- A marriage looks great from a distance, but reality says…
- The business that seems to be thriving but is barely surviving.
- The person who seems so competent but is really insecure.
Things Aren’t Always What They Seem…
There are probably about twenty other scenarios that could be compared. It all boils down to “things aren’t always what they seem.”
Which leads me to say: it’s not useful to compare to situations or people when we don’t know the whole story. But we’ve all done that once or twice. Or ten times. We’re human. We compare. That’s what we do.
It’s really easy to think someone is so together until you get to know them and they admit their foibles or anxieties. Or you know the truth behind someone’s seemingly perfect Facebook life. It doesn’t make them better or worse than you, just real.
Recently a good friend of mine and I were sharing how we sometimes react when something upsets us. I had no idea she did the same thing. Honestly, I was kind of astounded. She always seems so together. Ok, I know she worries about things sometimes because she’ll call me about it. Even if she didn’t, we’re human so we all have some anxieties sometimes so no surprise there. When she shared what she did, I didn’t think less of her, I felt validated that I’m not the only person who does that!
What’s on the Outside vs What’s on the Inside
We all have our external face, the one we show to the outside world, and our internal face, the one we don’t show. The one that lives inside our head. The one that can be scary, judge-y, blaming, mean, shaming. The one that no one knows is there unless we tell them.
Recently I had another friend confide in me that she struggles with the same thing I’ve been struggling with while practicing some skills. I was shocked because she comes across as uber confident, uber skilled, uber competent. To hear that she also had insecurity was actually mind blowing. I did not think less of her at all. Instead, it reminded me that at the end of the day we all grapple with similar things.
Then I remembered, ‘You can’t judge a book by its cover.’ We often make first impressions of people that don’t line up to how they really are. The same can be said about second, third or tenth impressions. Until you get to know them, they may seem uber fill in the blank, only to find out that they look great on the outside, but on the inside, they’re as human as you are, dealing with the same or similar issues.
Things may be scary in their head, their marriage may be far from good, their business may be tanking. All of those things can be true. And at the same time, they’re a great person, just dealing with human issues like you and me. Just because something is far from good doesn’t mean it’s bad or the person dealing with it is bad.
It just means things aren’t always what they seem. And that we’re all having a human experience filled with anxieties, worries, struggles and conflicts.
What Are You Assuming?
We humans are meaning making machines. We tend to think because someone is so competent they don’t struggle. Those are assumptions, not truth. Those are stories we make up but don’t know if they’re true or not.
Maybe next time you see someone’s picture perfect life on Facebook the better question to ask yourself is, “What am I assuming about their life?” vs thinking “Oh, their life is great! Look at my sorry little life!”
You don’t really know how great or not great their life is. By asking yourself ‘What are you assuming’ it takes the sting out of the comparison. It helps you realize, “Oh, they’re human too and have the same insecurities!” vs bringing them down a notch with thoughts of, “Yeah, I bet their life is no good! They’re just faking it!”
Because when we feel insecure it’s easy to try to bring people down to our level. Maybe their life isn’t as perfect as their Facebook photos imply, but that doesn’t mean that they’re faking it either. As is often said, “the truth is somewhere in the middle.” Maybe they’re just choosing the absolute best photos or staging them to look better than they are. But that doesn’t mean faking it as in none of it is real.
What Does it Matter?
And even if they were, what does it matter? What matters is what you think about your life.
The same can be said of your neighbor’s outwardly ideal marriage only to find out it’s far from it. When you find out, what would you think? Is that food for the gossip mill? Is it an “I told you so!” moment to your bestie?
Or is it empathetic because all relationships have their challenges? Anyone who told me their relationship is perfect would be an eyebrow raise moment for me. Some relationships are close, but none are perfect. We’re human, imperfect by nature.
If I found out my neighbor’s marriage wasn’t perfect, I’d pretty much shrug my shoulders and think, “No one’s is so ok.” I wouldn’t judge them. Nor would I take comfort from it whether mine was or wasn’t. People’s issues are different, but we all have them. Hence the other common expression, “The grass is greener on the other side.” It seems that way, but often it’s not. Or it’s the same grass!
We’re All the Same
To alleviate the judging, the longing, the comparing, next time you see someone’s model life or persona, ask yourself what are you assuming? They have two arms and legs like you do. They may be longer, hairier, thicker, thinner, but they’re the same appendages.
They also have the same or similar insecurities, beliefs, issues or problems. They may look slightly different but at the end of the day, they’re the same.
The person you thought was perfect is actually a rabid perfectionist working hard to keep the image up. The person you thought has the effortless rockin’ bod spends hours at the gym. The person who has gorgeous, long, shiny hair actually wears a wig. Hey, you just never know!
Next time you see the life that is good from afar, ask yourself, “What am I assuming?” Because you might surprise yourself not just with the answer to your question, but to find out the truth about them or their life.
And the truth? They’re just like you and me. They just look a little different.
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