A Strategy to Motivate People
I know a person, let’s call her Lady A, that is, well, there’s no real nice way to say this…lazy. She’s never had much responsibility in her life, mostly because she’s not a parent and never really had a job. That’s fine if some people choose not to do either of those things, but it can affect their productivity – or lack of – in life. That is definitely true in this case.
However, her sister, who is the opposite of lazy, and she were taking care of their elderly parents. Lady B, the sister, would often complain to me that Lady A is lazy, she never does anything, she pushes off everything onto her etc etc etc.
The Truth Hurts, but Sometimes it’s Necessary
While all of that is true, it’s still disheartening to hear. I told Lady B a truth that no one wants to hear, but she needed to hear – either let it continue to eat at you or accept it. Accepting it doesn’t mean that you have to like it. It means knowing that she won’t change, so don’t expect her to. It’s not realistic to expect someone to give what they can’t give or behave in a way that they aren’t capable of. Doing so sets you up for disappointment which leads to complaining and frustration.
It may feel good to complain, but the more that you complain, the worse that you will feel because it keeps you stuck in the problem. What you focus on, you bring more to you. The more you complain, the more you find things to complain about. That’s how that works. Instead, know that’s the way it is and skip the complaining. You can’t change others. It takes work to get to that point, but the pay-off is great.
The other truth I told Lady B is since Lady A isn’t used to doing much, whenever she does something, she needs praise – more than the rest of us who do things on a regular basis. Those of us who are used to accomplishing and checking off our to-do list take it in stride. It’s part of our life. For those who don’t do it often, it’s a really big deal.
You might be wondering how old is Lady A? It doesn’t matter. I’ve seen people of all ages struggle with this. It is odd to see it in older people because most people have spent a lifetime doing, but more than you realize have not.
Give the Dog a Cookie
People of all ages like to be praised. That’s just being human. People who don’t do much really need their ego stroked because they aren’t used to accomplishing things. Because of that I gave Lady B the analogy of “give the dog a cookie.”
Whenever a dog is trained, what are their good behaviors reinforced with? A treat. Think Pavlov’s dog that we all learned about in school. He motivated the dog to do the right thing by rewarding with treats.
How do we reinforce good behavior in children? We give them a treat, a reward, of some sort. It doesn’t have to be food, although that’s common with young children. It can be anything – the promise of their favorite activity, a hug, a special day out, a compliment.
Adults are the same way. We all respond better to positive reinforcement. While I don’t mean to sound condescending to Lady A by seemingly comparing her to a dog, Lady B resonated with that analogy. Spirit told me she would, so I used it. It’s not my intention to offend anyone with this analogy. It’s an easy one to remember and visualize. It is meant in the most playful of ways.
What also got under Lady B’s skin was that whenever Lady A did something for their parents, she put it out on the group text as if seeking kudos. Because she was. Lady B never did that because she subscribes to “just do it and move on” mentality. She didn’t need to get recognition for it because you just do what you gotta do. That’s who she is.
As I explained to Lady B, Lady A does that because she desperately needs reinforcement. She’s not used to accomplishing, so when she does, she needs people to recognize it. If she doesn’t get it, she gets more aggressive about asking for it. Or resentful that she’s not getting it because she craves it. Then she’s not as likely to repeat her good behavior. So, just give her a cookie, i.e. thank her, praise her, and she’s happy. By thanking and complimenting her, she gets recognized for her efforts. That’s what she needs to do it again.
We’re All Grown-ups Here, but Some Are Not Really
A self-actualized person is basically what we’d conversationally call a mature grown-up. According to Google AI, this is the actual definition: A self-actualized person is someone who has realized their full potential and is engaged in personal growth, creativity, and authenticity. It is a continuous journey toward becoming the best version of oneself, driven by intrinsic motivation rather than external rewards.
External rewards are what Lady A is seeking because she doesn’t have the ability to give them to herself. She needs someone else to reinforce her good behavior so she can feel good about herself, not just appreciated.
While you may not have a Lady A in your life, you probably know that any time someone does something good they deserve a compliment. And to go a step further, not be resentful because they can’t accept their own self-praise if they’re even able to give it to themselves.
Compliments Are Free!
Compliments motivate us. Praise spurs us on. They help us strive to do better. We’re social beings so these things matter to us.
If your partner does something nice or good, a compliment goes a long way. Same with your child. Even when your child is an adult. It contributes to their emotional development.
Compliments help defuse a cranky co-worker or angry acquaintance. It stops them dead in their tracks, and they don’t know what to do with it. It gives them pause. Try it sometime and you’ll see what I mean! How can you be mad and grateful at the same time? You can’t. How can you yell at someone when they’re telling you how great you are? You can’t.
Compliments are free. And they go a long way. In fact, recently I saw a blurb where a 9 year old boy set up a free compliment stand outside his home like kids used to set up lemonade stands in summer. It became quite the hit as people stopped by for a little ego boost. I mean, who doesn’t love a compliment?
Boomer reference: As Mikey on the cereal commercial said, “Try it, you’ll like it!” Not only will you help another person feel good about themselves, you will too. Pay it forward. And give that dog a cookie!
Are you frustrated by someone else’s lack of motivation? Do you question yourself as a result? What do you do about it? Ask your intuition! It will guide you. It won’t steer you wrong!
If you want to learn how to listen to your intuition, how to talk to it and how to trust it by CLICKING
HERE.
Once you start listening to your intuition, you’ll be amazed how much your life clicks into place. Then you can truly start enjoying yourself. CLICK HERE to find out more!
