Right now, we have a crisis going on in our family with our brother. It’s very interesting to me to sit back and watch the personalities at play during this time.
One of my sisters, who is not known for participating in the family much, has really stepped up big time. She’s offering classic support. Support isn’t just comforting words. It can be offering resources, googling things for clarity, preparing a grocery list – all of which she’s done for him. And she’s given him words of comfort.
What’s Wrong with Advice?
One of my other sisters, however, is the opposite. She calls me in frustration because she can’t handle reading about all his issues in his very long texts. Granted, it is very difficult to follow everything he says because of the way he writes and the very long length. I struggle with it at times too.
However, she’s an action person. She just wants to fix. In frustration she complains to me, “But he never takes any of my advice, so what’s the point?” It’s true, he often doesn’t. But maybe that isn’t the point.
Maybe the point is he doesn’t want our advice; he just wants to know someone is out there who cares. He pretty much said that, although not that clearly. Maybe he just wants a sounding board. He’s kind of said that too.
The problem with this sister is she doesn’t know how to do any of that. She’s not an empathetic or compassionate person. She means well, but she’s like a bull in a china shop. She bulldozes into a situation, tries to fix it with her advice (that’s not always good) and if you don’t take it, she throws her hands up in the air and exclaims, “I give up! I tried to help!”
Advice isn’t Always Wanted
Helping isn’t always about advice.
Advice involves giving suggestions or solutions to someone about their problems, while support focuses on providing empathy, understanding, and emotional comfort.
When someone is in crisis if you truly listen, you’ll find that oftentimes they don’t want advice. Sometimes, yes, they do. But other times they just want support, help or a sounding board.
It’s up to us to make the distinction.
To do that, we have to listen. Really listen.
What are they asking for? What are they implying? What are their words saying?
I don’t believe my brother has asked for advice. Although a few times I’ve chimed in with, “If it were me, this is what I’d do…” I was met with, “You’re not the only person to say that.” Ok, good, I’m in good company. Now it’s up to him whether he wants to go with the majority or not.
There’s no need to start in with, “You need to do this…” or “You should do that…” That’s your opinion and it sounds like you’re pushing them into action they may not want. It’s ok to have opinions, but there’s a time and place for them. If someone isn’t asking, don’t give it.
If They Aren’t Asking, Don’t Give It
Maybe they aren’t asking because they don’t want it!
My one sister can’t fathom that because that’s all that’s in her wheelhouse – give advice. Tell you what to do – basically what she thinks you should do! Which doesn’t mean it’s right for you or the situation.
In fact, at one point, she threatened to call my brother’s best friend and inform him of everything that’s going on and implore him to help.
What are we five and we need our mommy to intervene?
I know she means well but it was all that she could come up with at the time to help him. She’s frustrated that his friends aren’t helping him more. It turns out one reason his friends aren’t doing more for him is because he’s not willing to tell them everything due to his pride. He doesn’t want to impose. He doesn’t want to look bad. I get all of that, but when you’re in a major crisis like he is and need help right now, hundreds or thousands of miles away from the rest of family, you gotta do what you gotta do!
Now’s the time to suck it up and swallow your pride.
But you can’t make someone do that.
Don’t Take it Personally
That’s why my sister gets frustrated – because he won’t do what she thinks he should be doing. She can’t conceive of that. It’s probably what she thinks she would do. But honestly, you never know what you’ll do when you’re in a crisis. You don’t know until you get there.
As a result of her frustration, I ended up doing a mini coaching session with her, unbeknownst to her what I was doing. I helped her see that he’s not asking for advice. He doesn’t want you to intervene in his life (and I totally get that!). It doesn’t matter what his reasons are or if you think they’re stupid like she does. It’s his life and he has the right to run it how he sees fit, even if it’s not up to your standards. Even if you think that’s not what you would do.
I agree with her that it’s time to swallow his pride and let his friends help but if he doesn’t want to, I can’t make him. So, I don’t even say it. Saying it could upset him even more – which he definitely doesn’t need right now – or push him to do something he’s not comfortable doing. While you might think it’s right, let it be. It’s his choice, so don’t take it personally that he won’t take your advice.
Don’t Be Afraid to Help
My other sister, who’s being very supportive also had her issues to be coached on. She was concerned that what if she gave him some advice and he took it and it turned out to be a disaster? And if he does, then he blames her? Because he’s known to do that. It’s never his fault.
First of all, I pointed out that by providing resources she’s not giving advice. She’s just giving a list of information. If it makes her feel more comfortable, put a disclaimer on it. “This is just information that I found. Do with it what you will” type of thing.
And second of all, if he does blame her, remember she isn’t at fault. That got a little pushback from her because she knows how he is. She feels most likely he will get mad and blame her. And she could be right given his track record. But if he does, I advised her, don’t let it get to you. It’s about him, not you. You’re doing the right thing by helping. How he reacts is on him.
She agreed but still didn’t want to risk it.
That’s when I had to pose the alternative. If you don’t keep doing what you’re doing, then what?
He could become despondent because he might feel like his lifeline of support is gone. And she would feel horrible if something bad happened to him because she stopped helping.
The reward is greater than the risk here.
So, basically, get over your fears of how he’ll react and keep on helping, which she did. Because he has said he appreciates it. And he knows someone is out there, listening.
Like a late-night talk radio show, sometimes all you need is to know someone is out there, listening.
How do you know if you’re giving advice or support? If you’re not sure what someone wants, then ask yourself, your Higher Self, your INTUITION!
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