Have you ever dealt with someone who you aren’t sure how to take them? As in you walk away not sure where you stand with them because of how they say what they say to you? I have a client who told me about her experience. Then I recognized it in someone I used to know, and it does not feel good.
Indirect criticism is kind of like a back-handed compliment in the sense that there’s a hidden meaning in the delivery. A back-handed compliment is when someone says something like, “Hey, this tastes really good tonight, what did you do?” That sounds nice on the surface by saying it tastes good, but really, it’s digging at your cooking skills implying that you’re not normally a good cook.
The Subtleties You Can’t Figure Out
An indirect criticism sounds like, “That’s an interesting choice.” Which is a subtle way of not calling you out for what they think is not a good choice. It’s their way of expressing disapproval.
Granted, sometimes it’s better to phrase things that way so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings. But unfortunately, it has that exact same consequence anyway. The other person is left confused and sometimes hurt by what’s said or not said or how it’s said. It’s like they didn’t get the decoder ring and now they’re wondering what’s really being said?
Here’s another example so you fully get the picture: “You might want to think about that.” That implies your choice is questionable. It’s not directly saying, “Hey that’s not a great decision, re-think it, bud!” But it is. Just ‘nicer.’ Nicer is in quotes because it sounds nicer but really, you’re left unsure of their intent like you may be thinking, “Are you criticizing me or not because I can’t really tell!”
Let’s try another one: “I would never do something like that.” Ok, that one is a bit more obvious but they’re still implying that YOUR decision is not the good one because THEY would never do it. It’s suggesting that you should get more information about the situation or you’re not thinking about it clearly or you’re just downright ‘wrong’ in their eyes.
All of these statements are subtle or implied negative comments that don’t say it directly but instead suggest disapproval or judgment about someone’s actions or choices. This often leads to confusion or hurt feelings, because it’s not clear like direct criticism. As a result, you’re left wondering what is actually being said.
Why Do They Do It?
Alone these statements aren’t ‘bad’ but if a person uses this form of communication as their default method it does make you wonder why they are like that. They probably aren’t a ‘bad’ person, rather they learned it from their family. Just like some people learn to be direct.
It could also mean they are conflict avoidant. They don’t want to upset anyone or start a fight, so they tone down their meaning. Again, that sounds ‘nice’ and considerate, but conflict avoidant can unintentionally create a lot of conflict!
Maybe they’re afraid to say it because of what saying it could bring. Direct criticism can land you in hot water because someone didn’t like what you said. If it’s softened with indirectness the person can back-pedal and say, “Oh, that’s not what I meant,” thereby letting themselves off the hook.
While this indirect method can seem nicer, it can also be mixed with an under-current of self-protection and people pleasing. It’s a way to correct someone without disapproval. They don’t get hurt and neither do you – or so they think.
Lastly it could be they lack confidence to say what they really mean. Either in your relationship with them or in general so they don’t feel comfortable being direct.
Long Range Consequences
Direct criticism can cause discomfort in the moment. But indirect criticism has longer range consequences because it risks disconnection over time.
With indirect criticism you never get a clear read on the situation. Instead, it’s tone, hints, little comments, sarcasm or jokes. The result? Your brain starts trying to figure it out by asking yourself, “Did I do something wrong?” or “Are they upset with me? Cuz I kinda can’t tell!” All of that guessing can make you feel insecure or anxious in the relationship because you don’t really know where you stand.
A sneaky consequence that you may not see is it’s a trust eroder. Over time it makes you wonder, “Why can’t they just be real with me?” or “Why aren’t they being real or just telling me the truth?” When we’re not sure where we stand with someone, it leads to distrust over time.
Another unexpected consequence is resentment. Yeah, that one can be sneaky too. On the receiving end you may feel like, “Geez, just say what you mean already!” Or you may feel defensive or judged by their seemingly indirect digs. Then resentment can build.
They on the other hand, may feel irritated like, “Why can’t you figure it out?” That leaves one person annoyed and the other confused. Not great for open communication.
On the receiving end you feel judged so you may start to hold back your real self. You may stop sharing or sharing as often or in less detail. Or you may overthink everything before you say it to avoid getting criticized – even if indirectly. That starts to erode the connection over time.
The worst part of it all? Repair doesn’t happen because if comments aren’t named or recognized, they also aren’t resolved. In healthy relationships people speak up when someone hurt their feelings. Say it nicely, then everyone moves on. In this scenario, since it’s all ambiguous it makes things tense. When things get tense, people tend to pull away whether emotionally or altogether. It’s like trying to catch a slippery fish. Never happens.
What Do You Do About It?
What does all of this mean for you?
As with everything in relationships, getting clarity is key. If you don’t really understand what they’re saying, then either ask them outright so it doesn’t lead to hurt or anger. Or look at their pattern. If they always speak this way, then they are probably not malicious, but this is their style. It may not work for you, which is why it may be better to ask what they mean. If it’s better for them, they probably won’t change it. But there are some work-arounds.
Outright ask them to be more direct. But if they do it to avoid discomfort, they may not be able to do that. But IF THEY DO, reward them. Thank them for clearing it up. Or you can set a boundary, “Hey, I don’t know what you meant there, so I’m not going to comment.”
The most important sign, as we all know, is watch what people do, not what they say. If after all of this, they still do what they do then it’s about how willing or able are they to make the changes? Because here’s the thing, you’re not asking them for a personality overhaul, you’re asking them to change how they act with you. If they can’t or won’t, then there’s your answer.
If they can’t or won’t, then the sad reality is you have to decide what to do about the relationship. If you choose to continue, then you have a few options. (1) Pull away emotionally but stay in the relationship. (2) Limit what you tell them. (3) Ignore their indirect criticisms. (4) Be more direct requesting them to make the change for you. Or (5) Leave the relationship completely because it’s better for you..
It reminds me of the song lyrics from The Clash, “Do I stay or do I go now?” Only you can decide what’s worth it for you.
If you aren’t sure if someone is indirectly criticizing you, then USE YOUR SUPERPOWER! YOUR INTUITION! It will give you the answers and never steer you wrong!
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