For those of you who have been following me, you know I don’t normally write about dating tips. However, I was watching a TV show recently where world renowned British dating expert, Matthew Hussey, provided tips and coaching to four women. I got hooked on the show because he talked a lot about mindset.
Since my specialty is mindset, I thought I would share what he had to say that relates to that. The show was interesting to me to see how he handled the women’s performance. Many of you have requested readings from me regarding dating or have attended my “Finding Mr. Right” workshop. Hopefully this will give you some additional insight into your dating style.
Don’t Worry How It Went
Dating can be stressful enough for many people so we don’t want to add any additional stress by worrying about our performance. He didn’t say this, but my first tip is don’t worry about how your date went. Worry is useless energy. Like anything else, whatever happened, let it go. Make a mental note not to repeat it if you said something you wished you hadn’t. Don’t waste your time going over and over in your head where you went wrong. If the guy really likes you despite your supposed gaffe, he’ll overlook it and want to see you again. If he can’t get past it, he’s not your guy anyway.
It’s common to get nervous on dates. In an effort to fill up the space, many of us talk too much. If you know you have that tendency, then keep reading. Take a breath and let the guy talk! Same thing with talking too fast; slow it down. How can the guy get to know you if you’re talking the entire time and talking quickly?
Too Many Questions Are a Turn Off
Another thing some of us tend to do is ask a lot of questions, especially if we’re nervous. No one likes to be interrogated. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of endless questions, then you know what it feels like. A few questions are fine and necessary, but not one after the other in rapid fire succession. Let it be a give and take. Asking a lot of questions is a communication style for some people, but not one conducive to building a connection. Dating is all about building that connection. Let it happen naturally by backing off the questions.
One time I had a friend who would grill me over lunch. I felt like I was being interrogated. I couldn’t figure out if she was just nosey or nervous or who knows what. All I know is it didn’t feel very good to me. I felt obligated to answer her questions, but the truth is, you aren’t. If the guy asks you a lot of questions, don’t feel obligated to answer them all. If you ask him a lot, please be mindful of how many you are asking. No one likes to be on what feels like the hot seat.
Pay attention to how you come across. This is my tip based on comments I saw him offer the women. We often don’t realize how we come across. Some of us are guarded or defensive, especially if the other person says or asks something that we’re uncomfortable with. If you don’t like what they said, either put up a nice boundary or move on past it. Don’t get your hackles up and don’t call him out, at least not rudely. My advice is even if you decide you don’t like the guy, don’t get defensive. It’s not flattering to you. Look at it as a learning moment to see how you can handle it more gracefully the next time.
Give it Time to Grow
Don’t like the guy right away? He’s an immediate turnoff? No need to be rude and walk away. To avoid that awkward moment when you realize there’s no chemistry, don’t schedule first dates for very long. Grab a coffee or meet at a park.
However, Matt suggested don’t dismiss a guy too quickly – ever. Sometimes we all say stupid stuff so just keep the date going to see if there’s anything there. Just like above when I said you might make a gaffe, so might he. If it’s not awful, stay there. Not everyone makes a great first impression even though we’re taught to. On many occasions Matt said if you write someone off too quickly you may be missing out on a great guy! Give him some leeway. If he’s not awful and you have some interest, go on the second date to firm up your opinion.
Years ago, when I was single, I met a guy while out. I really liked him and thought it was mutual. We danced for a while. After our last dance I said something that I don’t recall what it was now. He didn’t respond and instead just walked away. I was left baffled. Then a day or so later he called and asked me out on a date. I was excited because I liked him. Later I asked him why he did that. Innocently enough it turns out he had a slight hearing loss in one ear and he didn’t hear me over the loud dance music!
The moral of the story is, had I blown him off for being rude we never would have had the chance to explore a relationship. So, don’t dismiss a guy too quickly. He could end up being “the one.”
Don’t Get Ahead of Yourself
Some women have the tendency to jump ahead after the first date and wonder where it’s going or if he checks off all of their boxes. Matt’s advice: all you need to know is that you like him enough to see him again. Period. Don’t go future scaping. Don’t compare him to all of your requirements. Sometimes things we think we want or we think are deal-breakers may not be in the long-run. Give the guy a chance. If you want to meet the right guy, don’t write him off after the first date. That’s what second and third dates are for! It takes time to get to know someone so use your time for that rather than worrying if he’s Mr. Right after one date.
Women are often “old school” and won’t approach a guy, won’t ask him out, won’t ask for his number. Matt says all wrong! You could be missing a great opportunity. His classic line, “It’s not about finding your fairy tale, it’s about creating it!” Don’t wait, make the first move. This is the twenty-first century, ladies, we’re allowed to ask a guy out! If you don’t feel comfortable, maybe move out of your comfort zone a bit. Just give it a try. If you just can’t do it, then well….
When is it Too Soon to Reply?
And here’s the piece of advice you’ve probably been waiting for but didn’t know you were. When is it too soon or too late to reply to a guy’s text? ANYTIME! Seriously, he said to a shocked group of women, any time! There is no right or wrong. There is no, “I have to wait an hour to respond so I don’t look desperate.” No, doing it now is fine he says.
And the last bit of great advice on ending a date or initiating a next step on text: don’t ask a question. Say something like “This was really fun, we should catch up later (or again).” By not asking a question such as “Do you want to catch up later?” you’re taking the pressure off. Then he doesn’t feel obligated to answer or answer right now. You’re leaving it hanging to help him decide. And you’re letting him know that you had a good time so he’s not left wondering. Guys wonder too.
Matt had a lot more to say so I guess I’ll have to do a second post or include it future posts. I hope you found this helpful. Dating in the twenty-first century is a lot different for most of us. I’m glad I’m not in that world because it sounds confusing!
P.S. Of course these same tips apply to guys who are dating. If you’re a man reading this, please don’t feel left out. I have a lot of women clients.