We may secretly laugh at control freaks because they’re so uptight, but really, they’re scared. Scared of life. They’re afraid to do this or afraid to do that so they think if they can control every facet of a situation, then they’ll be ok. They’ll be safe. They won’t have anxiety. Or the big one – fear.
They believe that if they control every aspect then they are protected from the worst. It’s their way of staying safe, staying protected from something bad happening. Or so they think.
It’s easy to tell someone to let go of the control but for them to do it? Well, that’s a whole other story. People who are highly controlled can’t just “let go.” That’s the issue. If they could let go, they wouldn’t feel the need for control. It can be scary to let go, especially if someone isn’t used to it.
Take a Chill Pill – Are You Kidding Me?
“Take a chill pill” is not in their vocabulary. Even de-stressing doesn’t work. Why? Because it’s not so much stress that causes their need for control as it is anxiety or fear. Being stressed out is one thing, but having anxiety or fear is another. They both can be paralyzing and make someone feel as if they need to control everything.
But they can’t.
No matter how hard they try.
Some people mistake planning for control. “I’m not a control freak, I just like to plan.” Have you heard anyone say that? I have. Planning is good. Planning is necessary most of the time. But not to the point where every second, every minute is accounted for. Or every move and counter-move is plotted out. Have options, sure, but people are the wild card. It’s hard to predict what people will do.
People don’t like to be controlled. It goes against our nature. Even if someone isn’t rebellious or a free-thinker, they still don’t want to be controlled. They want to eat what they want, wear what they want, go where they want. That’s why teenagers rebel. They are tired of the rules and want to do what they want, not what their parents tell them. Rules are for kids, not them, they think. Little do they know when they grow up to be adults there are still rules. However, they get to make most of them for themselves.
You Can’t Control It All
The hard truth is this: Control is an illusion. It makes you feel like you’re in charge, but really, you’re not. We can’t possibly control every detail in every situation. We like to think that we can, but we can’t. If the situation involves other people, then for sure we can’t. Especially if the other person is our young child, we certainly can’t control them. Any parent could tell you that. Wait until your first toddler tantrum. Case in point.
I know someone who is very controlling. She isn’t mean about it thank goodness but she desperately wants to control every situation down to the minutest detail. Because she’s a “planner” and not a control freak, she thinks she has it all under control. Until she doesn’t. When things go awry, she freaks. Just hearing her discuss fifty million permutations of what could go wrong makes my head spin! When I try to placate her with, “What will happen, will happen” that falls on deaf ears. Or is met with some form of resistance. “Well, if I could just…” You get the picture.
Sometimes you can’t control it all and that’s what it is.
“It is what it is.” My favorite expression. That means accept it. Deal with it. Don’t fight it.
Serenity Now!
Remember the serenity prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” Translation: you can’t control it all so don’t even bother. Know when it’s time to give it up.
Controlling people can’t let it go and they certainly can’t give it up. They keep on trying until they wear themselves out or end up friendless. Or both.
Acceptance isn’t easy at times even for the best of us and much harder for controlling people. It can take practice and patience. It’s the “Doris Day” moment of “Que sera, sera” which means “whatever will be, will be.” You gotta let it just happen. I know, that’s a total melt-down moment for the control freaks of the world.
I know someone who works at a place that I frequent. He is so chill that sometimes I wonder if we have to take a pulse. He seems to have the perpetual on the beach attitude. Meaning nothing phases him. He seems to let everything roll off of his back. He doesn’t have a care in the world. There are people out there like that. Most of us aren’t, but some are. I admire them. I strive to be them. It’s good to know that they exist.
There’s a difference between “I don’t care what happens,” which sounds like a defeatist, vs “Whatever will be, will be.” If you want something to happen but can’t control it, then sure, you do care about the outcome. You’re just wise enough to get to a place where you realize you can’t control it but you’d prefer if “it” happens. Then put some good mojo into the situation.
How to Get What You Want
That is how you control something. Or someone. Well, you can’t control anyone but you can influence. You can have a preference as to how you want something to work out, but don’t get attached to it because really you can’t.
Instead, send the situation good energy. Send your intentions out to the universe. “Everything will be fine.” “Everything will work out.” Even if it doesn’t, telling yourself that can help you to feel better in the meantime. It brings your stress level down. The more your stress goes down, the less negative energy you are putting into it. And the higher the chances of it working out in your favor. Don’t convince yourself, believe it.
By letting go of the negative energy, the worry, the fear, the anxiety, you are helping the situation to turn out more favorably, more positively. The fear and worry can make it turn for the worst. So, don’t let it.
Be unattached because you can’t control the outcome. Then send good energy to it to help it move along smoothly. If it doesn’t work out the way you want, then being unattached will remove or lessen your disappointment. You will be able to move on quicker.
Trying to control everything and everyone can be exhausting. It can be stressful. It can cause someone to get sick, alienate friends, anger family, lose jobs etc. None of those are good. The alternative, while not easy to achieve, is to let it go. Back off. See how it plays out. Then deal with it. If you have to plan for that ahead of time, go ahead, plan for it. Just don’t stress over it. Don’t force it. Do all that you can, then let it be. Send love and light to the situation. That’s your best tool.
And so it is.
Not sure if you’re a control freak? If your friends tell you that, but you deny it, then who can you believe? YOURSELF!
How do you know if you’re right? Ask yourself, your Higher Self, your INTUITION!
If you’re not confident in your intuition, then develop it. I’ll show you how.
Many of my clients have said that they want to learn how to develop their intuition. Because of that, I developed this easy-to-follow do it at your own pace, online course. It’s packed with tips, hacks and how-to exercises.
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