If you were to google this topic, a lot of relationship scenarios would come up. I’d prefer to generalize so that this can be your guideline for any situation. Plus, men miss red flags too but most of google discusses women and relationships.
Let me give you a perfect example. Years ago, my husband and I had a rental property. Our son was still a baby, so my husband did the renter screening while I was busy being mom. He accepted an application and allowed them to rent the home.
He later told me, “Oh, they’re great people! You’d like them! They’re the kind you could have a beer with!” My husband is generally pretty accurate when it comes to reading people, so I took him at his word.
Later I met them and was quite frankly, horrified! I got the worst vibe off of them, particularly the man (they weren’t married). When they started to do thousands of dollars in damage to our property, I figured it was time to do a background check on them. (We have since learned our lesson and have a realtor to do that in advance.) OMG the man was a criminal! He’d done time for “B & E” – i.e. breaking and entering – and other minor things! He was not the best person on many levels. I’ll leave it at that.
There was definitely a red flag there somewhere that my husband missed. And he is smart. So yes, smart people can miss those things. They do every day.
Why We Miss Red Flags
In general people miss red flags for a variety of reasons:
- They don’t want to believe it
- They doubt what they see
- It doesn’t line up with their ego/narrative/story/belief
- They hope the other person or situation will change
- They’re emotionally or financially invested in the person or situation
- They’re preoccupied and not slowing down to pay attention
- And the list goes on!
The Dating Scenario
Haven’t you had a girlfriend or sister who dates a guy, but you don’t like him? You keep your thoughts to yourself because no one in love wants to hear bad things about the object of their desire. Later they break up and your friend asks, “Why didn’t you tell me!?” when you saw the red flags, but she clearly didn’t. You said nothing to spare her feelings.
You saw it but why couldn’t she?
Love is blind.
When we start dating someone or falling in love, everything looks great, doesn’t it? We feel like we’re over the moon because our body is releasing tons of those “feel good” chemicals.
In that situation you are kind of blinded by love. Everything they do is wonderful. Those little quirks you thought were cute at first later became annoying because you really don’t like that behavior. Or you attributed his pattern of “hanging with the boys” as a healthy social life when later you found out they were trolling for women. Or his interest in sports was really an obsession and you always came second. Yeah, that kind of stuff.
Those are the kinds of red flags I’m talking about. Super cautious people might hang back so they don’t get so emotionally invested saving themselves from getting burned. Most people have healthy caution, but they could still get fooled. Love is powerful! Some have no caution; they just go for it. They’re oblivious to all the indicators staring them in the face, but hey, they sure are having a good time!
In my psychic readings I get a lot of women asking about their partner. Most of the time they already know the answer, they just don’t want to face it. Yep, he’s cheating on you. Yep, he really is a jerk and he only cares about himself. Yep, he is selfish and he’ll always come first. I see those all the time. The signs were there; they just didn’t want to see them.
You’re Not Stupid!
It’s not because they’re stupid but it clashes with a lot of internal narratives. Like, “How could I be so stupid that I didn’t see it?” You’re not stupid, you just didn’t want to see it. Said most women everywhere!
Or ego gets in the way. We think we know better or “I’m smarter than that, I should’ve seen that!” I think we can all relate to that. Again, this has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with being human. We don’t see what we don’t want to see!
Sometimes We’re Preoccupied
When my sweet pup passed away last year the warning signs were there. He was disengaged, he lost a lot of weight, he became a pickier eater, he was sleeping a lot more. But I didn’t see it. Why? Well for one, my mom had passed away not long before, so I was distracted in very deep grief.
The other reason is – who wants to see that their beloved dog is dying? It can’t be true! He was so vibrant, he always ran to the door when he saw his leash, he loved going places with me. How can he be dying?? My brain didn’t want to process that, so it didn’t on a conscious level. Denial sometimes protects us. I missed the warning signs then beat myself up for months for not seeing them!
Then you play the “coulda/woulda/shoulda” game. “Oh, if I had clued in sooner maybe he’d still be alive” or “If I took him to the vet sooner, they could’ve done something!” All that races through your head only to wear you out.
The truth is, once the vet saw him it was too late. He said even if we had caught it sooner, not much could’ve been done because he was in kidney failure. Maybe, just maybe, we could’ve bought him a few months. That relieved my guilty conscience a tad. But it was too late at that point so no use trying to go back in time. I had to let my guilt go. I didn’t mean to ignore it, but my emotions were elsewhere and on some level I was in denial.
The real question with red flags is how do you spot them ahead of time?
Spotting Red Flags
Engage your spidey senses! If you don’t feel you’re very intuitive (you probably are more than you think!), then be observant. Looking back, I saw the signs with my dog, I just wasn’t adding them up because of my grief. It was too painful. But they were there.
We all tend to get vibes off of people like I did with that renter guy. Don’t ignore those vibes or intuitive hits. They’re there for a reason!
Get feedback. Like with girlfriends in love – don’t be blind – ask your friends what they think. The trick here is don’t get mad at them when they point things out you may not want to hear. Listen objectively. You know what they say – take what you like, leave the rest. If they have a point, then start paying attention for confirmation. If they don’t, then dismiss it.
Look ahead. Feedback can be applied to anything – the new job you’re gunning for, the vacation you’re saving for – anything. If you think it’s good but you want to double check, before you commit, ask your friends and family for their input so you don’t make a mistake and miss something they can see.
Don’t ignore what you see. I know that may be painful sometimes like with my dog, but sometimes we have to face reality even if we don’t want to. Like, that guy really may not be good for you. Cut your losses early to save yourself some grief!
Pros vs Cons – for the analytical thinkers of the world, make your pros vs cons list. Creative types don’t like that kind of structure, but this really can help see things clearly. If one outweighs the other, you have your answer.
And lastly, trust your gut or observation. Even when we get the intuitive hit or the gut feeling, or notice things, we ignore it. Don’t. It’s almost always right. If you act on it enough, you’ll see that your wins outscore your losses. That builds up the trust muscle!
So, there you have it. You’re not weird or stupid or awkward if you missed red flags. You’re perfectly normal. We’ve all been there, done that. Over time we learn to reduce the number and make better decisions. That’s all. Easy peasy!
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