Have you ever been honest with someone and it backfires? I’m sure that has happened to almost all of us for any number of reasons, big or small.
There’s “big” honesty and “small” honesty. Choosing honesty and telling your partner you cheated on them could backfire spectacularly. Don’t tell them and you’re caught in a lie, possibly resulting in an even bigger problem. It can be a lose/lose no matter what you choose.
That’s “big” honesty.” Being truthful about a big situation. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. That’s not what the subject of this post is about, however. Honesty or not in those situations is a very personal decision that I wouldn’t advise on.
There’s also what I call “polite small honesty.” When someone asks how are you, they don’t expect a long, depressing run-down so you answer, “Everything’s fine!” Or someone gives you a gift or serves food that you don’t like. It’d be rude to hurt their feelings and say you don’t like it so most of us just smile and say it’s great. We’ve all done that and it’s accepted. It’s the societal norm. It’s the “polite lies.”
Then there’s the small honesty – your feelings. Not that feelings aren’t important, they certainly are, but most people don’t want to hear about them. It’s not a big issue like you cheated or gambled your joint savings so to most people it’s not a big deal. They expect you to “just get over it.”
People Don’t Really Want the Truth
Unfortunately, the bottom line is most people don’t want to hear the truth, even if it’s not about them. The truth can be phrased diplomatically as many therapists suggest: “When you do that, I feel this.” Even if it’s inverted to take the sting out so they don’t hear “you” first: “I feel this when you do that,” all they hear is “you do that.” They gloss right over your feelings.
Most people, sadly, don’t care how you feel. They may say that they do, but many people don’t. They don’t hear the part about your feelings. They automatically jump to “You’re blaming me,“ when you’re not. You’re trying to explain how their actions affect you; you’re not saying what they did was wrong. It may have upset you, but you’re saying that’s on you.
Sometimes when people don’t want to hear about your feelings it’s not because they’re a jerk or that they don’t care, but perhaps they can’t handle feelings? Feelings make them uncomfortable. They don’t want to feel their own feelings, why in the world would they want to talk about yours? If you’re a person in touch with your feelings, that’s an alien concept to you.
But one that we need to remember.
A lot of People Don’t Discuss Feelings
Most people don’t deal with their feelings. Feelings can be uncomfortable. News flash, they get more uncomfortable the more they aren’t dealt with. But most of us have to learn that the hard way.
Recently a good friend of mine was tempted to tell her sister how she felt about something her sister texted her. The key word there is “felt.” She wanted her sister to know that what she, the sister, said, hurt her, my friend’s feelings. She would phrase it nicely. She wouldn’t be mean about it or point fingers. She was hurt and wanted her sister to understand where she was coming from.
She already knew the answer before she asked my opinion of whether or not she should tell her sister about her feelings. She just wanted the opinion and validation of a friend. When she told me her potential plan, I immediately got the intuitive hit that her sister would do an eyeroll and think to herself, “There she goes again.” Her sister isn’t in touch with feelings. She’s one of those people that doesn’t like to talk about them – hers or yours.
My friend has come to that sad realization but it doesn’t stop her hurt or disappointment that her sister blows off her feelings. In this case, honesty about her feelings isn’t the best policy. Her sister won’t get it. She’ll continue to put my friend in the “she’s too sensitive” or “she’s too picky” or take your pick of adjective category. Basically, telling her sister how she really feels won’t accomplish anything. She doesn’t even get the relief of getting it off her chest with her because it will fall on deaf ears. And could very well worsen their relationship. So, what’s the point?
In the end, we have to keep our reaction to what other people say or do in check. Sometimes it doesn’t pay to tell them.
Not long ago a client told me her sister was writing something in an email that was not only disrespectful, it was shaming. In an effort to help her sister, my client kindly requested she stop saying that because of how it made others feel.
Her sister acted like she got it, but she doesn’t. As proof of that she repeated the exact same phrase again recently. It didn’t go unnoticed and wasn’t appreciated. It didn’t pay to be honest with her either. She keeps doing it. Sadly, it’s alienating people. The advice fell on deaf ears just like my friend’s sister.
Once again honesty didn’t pay off because she wants to say what she wants to say no matter if it hurts or upsets people. She refuses to understand she will get less responses, not more, when she says what she says. She isn’t a mean person but the sad realization is she can be very insensitive when it comes to getting her way. She wants to say it so she will.
“Change so I’ll Feel Better!”
Not only do people not want to hear how you feel because it makes them uncomfortable, they want you to do the changing so that they can feel better. They’re basically saying: “If you’re hurt by something I said, then don’t get hurt.” Change how you are. Their attitude is: “I’m not going to change, so you have to.”
It is true that if we don’t like something about someone, we can’t expect them to change. We must change the way we perceive them or respond to them. But the sentiment is the same: people are uncomfortable enough with their own feelings, they really don’t want to deal with yours either. Therefore, in their mind it’d be easier if you just changed!
It’s never a good idea to change to please someone else but if there’s a benefit for you to change, to see things differently, then by all means, do so. In the case of my client’s sister and my friend’s sister, they had to resign themselves to the fact that they don’t want to hear it, they just don’t get it, so don’t bother. There’s nothing to gain.
If you have to say something, call a friend and get it off your chest. That’s what I do. Life is easier that way. Then there’s no misunderstandings, no broken lines of communication. You may be hurt but trying to get them to understand your hurt won’t work. Don’t beat your head against the wall!
Honesty isn’t always the best policy in certain situations. Sometimes the best policy is to say nothing.
If you’re not sure when to tell the truth, ask your best friend, your intuition. It will know. It will guide you. It will help you identify what what’s important to bring up and what’s not…if you ask it!
If you want to learn how to listen to it, how to talk to it and how to trust it by CLICKING
HERE. I developed this easy-to-follow online course because people like you asked me to.
Once you start listening to your intuition, you’ll be amazed how much your life clicks into place. Then you can truly start enjoying yourself. CLICK HERE to find out more!
