Do you have someone in your life who is what is colloquially called a “strong personality? You know the type. They’re confident and decisive, know what they want, and a natural leader. They’re great to have around.
They’re also a challenge to have around as they are very opinionated and won’t take no for an answer. So, they tend to give unsolicited advice then pressure you until you take it or at the very least acknowledge their advice. Because of this they can also be considered bossy. They tell you what to do, not make suggestions. If you don’t take their advice, they’re offended or worse.
Extreme Advice is a Red Flag
Recently a client told me she had been working with a lady for self-help. The client felt she was invisible to people at work and thought this lady could help her. The self-help lady, we’ll call her Lady B, latched onto an area in the client’s personal life where she did not feel powerful. The client was being bossed around and verbally abused at home. Lady B’s advice? Divorce him.
And she went one step further. Lady B said she couldn’t help the client address her invisibility issue unless she was willing to divorce her husband.
Ok, let’s take a few steps back! Wow.
First of all, divorce is a very personal matter. We never know what’s going on inside someone’s marriage much less their head. Divorce might be a good solution for one person but not another for many reasons. Let’s get one thing clear: it’s not our place to judge that or advise it. It can be suggested, which is different from telling someone what to do.
Look Our For “Shoulds”
Strong personality people “tell” people what to do, they don’t suggest. They use phrases such as, “you should,” or “you need to do this.” Let your alarm bells go off if you hear people saying that to you!
There is no should. It’s what you feel is right for you. Period. End of discussion. Would it be better if you did something? Yeah, probably. But that doesn’t mean you should.
Should is a judgement word. If you feel it’s right for you, do it. If you don’t feel it’s right for you even though it might be for others, then don’t do it. If it’s potentially the right course of action but something is holding you back, address that first. Don’t just jump!
Lady B by the way is not a therapist or a coach. She’s a psychic. I hear psychics all the time giving advice peppered with the “should” word. I guess you could say it’s a pet peeve of mine because I feel they are doing wrong by people. I try really hard to steer clear of telling people what to do. If they ask my opinion, I’ll phrase it in such a way that it’s a suggestion, not a mandate. And then make sure they understand that it’s up to them what to do. It’s not my place to tell them.
For more information on “should” please refer to my previous blog post here.
What’s Good for the Goose Isn’t Always Good for the Gander
Something may be the better course of action for you, but if you’re not ready to do it for whatever reason, then now is not the time. Like this client with the divorce. Maybe a divorce would solve her problems, but is it the only way? Does the client really want a divorce? Does she want it now?
Strong personality people get locked onto one answer, one direction. That’s great when they’re focused on achieving something. But it’s not great when they advise people who may or may not be willing to do as they suggest. We all have our reasons for not wanting to do something and it’s our choice. Is it the best way? Sometimes maybe not, but it’s our way.
I know a person who is morbidly obese. Would it be better for her to lose some weight? Absolutely. But I never tell her to do that because that’s her choice. Clearly, she hasn’t made the choice to do anything about it so it’s not my place to push her. If she really wants to do it, then one day she will. In the meantime, I keep my mouth shut and watch her slowly decline. It’s heartbreaking for me, but it’s her choice.
Strong personality people have told her to lose weight and that didn’t go down well. In fact, it probably made her dig her heels in and not do it just because she was “told” to do it. That’s sad if that’s the case because she’s the one suffering, not the strong personality person. Strong personality people don’t tend to worry about things. Their way is the best way, end of story.
Don’t Get Pushed Around
Most people don’t like to be told what to do. Even people who don’t have strong personalities may not like to be told what to do. Then there’s people with weaker personalities who want to be told what to do. They crave the advice and direction of a stronger-willed person. Why? Because they really don’t know their own mind. And they’re the ones out there seeking help.
Thankfully my client had enough wherewithal to realize Lady B was pushing her into something she didn’t feel comfortable with at this time. Who’s to say if Lady B was right that divorce is the answer, but clearly it wasn’t right for my client and especially not right now. Divorce is a really big decision so no one should take it lightly. Or be pushed into it.
Not to mention the fact that working on an invisibility issue doesn’t require a person to get divorced. The two are not necessarily connected. In my opinion it’s even scarier to take the advice of someone who is not a trained therapist or certified coach, particularly in regard to such a life-changing issue.
Sometimes we can be weak enough or unaware enough not to realize we’re being pushed into something by a stronger-willed person. That’s when it’s best to check in with yourself and see if it’s something you really want. If it’s not, that’s totally ok. It really is. Don’t worry about what the strong-willed person says. That may be a good solution for them but it’s not for you. It may be the only solution that they can see, but not necessarily the best one, even for themselves.
Strong-willed people tend to get locked into one course of action. In this case, divorce is the only way. That’s easy for her to say, but would she apply that in her life if she was in your shoes? Maybe, but she’s not you! And that’s the point.
Do It or Else…
What also upset me was hearing the client say Lady B took it a step further and said she can’t help the client unless she took her advice. Not only was that short-sighted, it was cold in my opinion. And could cause a whole lot of disruption and heart break in the client’s life if she took some advice that she wasn’t really ready or willing to take. The results could not only be devastating they could be doubly so because she would be left with no good support from this person.
I’m telling you all this story because if this happens to you, please take a moment. Take a step back. Does their advice resonate with you? It might and if so, that’s great. But honestly, would you want to work with someone who said you have to take my advice or else I won’t help you?
Even if their advice sounds like something you would do, my point is, they will only help you if you take their advice. That’s holding you hostage. That’s the really upsetting part to me. That’s like the dentist saying you have a cavity, but I’ll only help you if I can pull the tooth out. What? Run like the wind! Pulling the tooth out is an option but it sounds a bit extreme to me. I’d question that!
Strong personality types are everywhere. They don’t have to be a psychic or a coach. They can be your best friend, your partner, your neighbor, anyone. They’re great to have around until they’re not.
Know what you’re dealing with and keep your radar up. Listen for “should” and “you need to.” No, you don’t. You can do whatever you please whenever you please, not because they told you to. And definitely not because they’re holding you hostage – “I’ll only help you or be your friend if you do this…” My alarms are going off hearing that! I hope yours are now too.
Stay tuned for part 2.
Are you unsure if you have a strong personality? You can take a personality quiz, google the characteristics or ask your intuition! If you are dealing with a strong personality person, ask your intuition for guidance.
It won’t steer you wrong! It is your built-in GPS.
If you want to learn how to listen to your intuition, how to talk to it and how to trust it by CLICKING
HERE.
Once you start listening to your intuition, you’ll be amazed how much your life clicks into place. Then you can truly start enjoying yourself. CLICK HERE to find out more!
