In previous blog posts I know I mentioned this but apparently, I don’t have a blog post dedicated to this subject alone. It is an important subject so here we go!
How many times a day do you “should” all over yourself?
“Should” Seems Harmless
It’s common to use the word “should” so it seems harmless. It all began in childhood with the directives of “You should do this!” or “You shouldn’t do that!” We start to form associations that if we don’t do something, then we’re a bad person of some sort. Lazy, mean, careless etc.
The dictionary defines “should” as an auxiliary verb meaning it’s a helping verb, which is used alongside a main verb to express grammatical features such as tense, mood, or voice. I also see it as a “conditional” verb in the sense that it places conditions on a person. It’s not defined as such, but that’s the way I see it. Conditional in the sense that you should do something, then if you don’t, then you’re a bad mom or you’re stupid etc.
Since we grew up using it, it stays in our vocabulary. It can be somewhat harmless or bordering on abuse depending on how it’s used. That’s when we have to listen closely to spot the difference.
Sound the Alarm!
When someone tells you that you “should” do something, your radar should be going off. Yes, I used the word there on purpose. In this case I’m not using it in a mean or harmful way but rather as caution from a concerned person. It’s all in how the word is used, the context, and the tone of voice.
As children grow into teenagers their parents might say, “You really should clean your room!” with a playful tone of voice. In that instance it’s not meant to be hard on them. It’s a suggestion. The playful tone of voice goes a long way to downplay it.
When someone tells you what to do with strong advice laced with “should” that’s when your alarm bells need to be going off. Things like, “You should get a divorce” or “You should quit your job if you’re that mad” or “You should move out.” Whoa, wait a minute. Those are huge decisions that should not be taken lightly. (Should is used here as caution.)
No one gets to tell you those things. Those are extremely personal and often complicated issues. If a trusted source like a therapist is saying it, they tend to use suggestive phrases such as, “It would be better if you did…” They’re not telling you what to do. They’re not judging you. They’re suggesting.
“Should” is telling you what to do and no one gets to do that to yourself except you. Huge decisions require thought and planning, not impulsive or because someone told you to. Only do what feels right to you.
“Shoulding” All Over Yourself
If someone is “shoulding all over you,” then you might want to consider (see how I used that phrase?) the source. Strong personality people tend to “should” all over people. They think they are right so you must take their advice. They don’t see using the word “should” as a bad thing; it’s part of their repertoire. They use it without much thought given to it because it’s second nature to them. It’s not a big deal to them.
But it IS a big deal, that’s my point. Be careful when dealing with people like this, especially if you are not a strong personality because you can easily get sucked into their advice that could potentially do you more harm than good.
They may not mean to ruin your life, but their advice can border on life changing and not in a good way. Give it a lot of thought before you go moving out or kicking someone out. If that’s the way you want to go, fine. Just don’t do it because they “told” you to.
Because we’ve been so conditioned to use the “should” word we also tend to “should” all over ourselves. Our mind chatter is constantly peppered with, “I should do this” or “I shouldn’t do that.” Then if we proceed and do it, we kick ourselves with, “I shouldn’t have done that!”
No Need for Unnecessary Pressure
Saying “I should do this” is putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves. Step back a minute. Who says you should do something? You or someone else? If it’s someone else, then, consider the source. Are they acting in your best interest? Do they think they are when really they are not? Strong personality people don’t think they are wrong by giving extreme advice.
In fact, I know someone who was unhappy in her marriage. When she turned to her older sister for advice she got some extreme advice – she should not just divorce him but do it in such a way that he doesn’t even see it coming. Basically, ambush the guy.
Sadly, she took her sister’s advice only to regret it for many years. The divorce might have been the best option given the situation at the time, but how it was done was not cool. Not just ambushing the poor guy, but she had zero support system in place. She wasn’t at all prepared emotionally how this divorce would change her life. It almost ruined her. If you want to use that word here, she “shouldn’t” have taken that advice because it cost her a lot.
Many years later she realized that her sister had what’s considered a strong personality. Those types of people tend to dish out extreme advice because they can’t see any other way. They don’t see the middle ground. And there’s the question of would they take their own advice? Maybe, maybe not depending on the situation and the person. If someone won’t take their own advice, then trust me, you’d be wise not to take it either.
You’re Human!
Perhaps the most grievous use of the word is when we do it ourselves. We judge ourselves for not doing or doing something when we use the word “should.” Honestly, that’s just being mean to yourself because what follows “I shouldn’t have done that” or “I should do this” is a judgement phrase, even if it’s left unspoken. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m an idiot!” or “I’m so stupid! I should’ve seen that!”
Or it’s pressure and judgement all rolled into one: “I really should have baked those cookies for that elderly neighbor. I’m such a bad person for not doing that!” People pleasers use the word “should” a lot because they think they should do a lot of things for a lot of people. While that’s nice, it’s a lot of pressure on them. If you are a people pleaser, notice how often you use that word.
Please, don’t be so harsh. You are not an idiot! You’re not stupid! Could you have made a better decision? Possibly. But you didn’t. For whatever reason. It can be hard to let ourselves off the hook, but we must. There’s no reason to name call or berate yourself. You’re human. We all make mistakes. We all make poor decisions at times. It’s called life. That doesn’t sit well with the perfectionists of the world but try to take comfort in that because it’s true.
Instead, use “should” as an alarm system. When you find yourself “shoulding” all over yourself, step back. Realize you did that. Then course correct. Or add in the let yourself off the hook phrase: “I should’ve done that, but I didn’t. It’s ok because I’m human.” Or “Next time I’ll see a better way but it’s ok that I didn’t today.”
Let the alarm sound when others are “shoulding” all over you too. Only you know what’s right for you and when. They don’t. Should is a mandate that you don’t need to follow unless you want to.
It’s so ingrained in our language so watch out for it. Be careful when and how you use it whether to yourself or others. And please, stop “shoulding” all over yourself because you really “should!” 😊
P.S. Try these word substitutions: “I shall do it” or “I will do it” vs “I should do it.”
For others: “You might consider…” or “It might be better if…” vs “You should…”
I found this little ditty on the internet after I finished this post. My first reaction – Says who? Yes, it would be nice to apologize for bad behavior, but there is no rule that says you have to. The same goes for the rest of the statements. See how this word crops into our everyday lives? I’m going to take all of these as recommendations, not something that I have to do. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 🙂 But yes, I do apologize when I’m wrong.
Are you unsure if you shoulding all over yourself? Are you judging yourself and don’t realize it? What do you do about it? Ask your intuition! It will guide you. It won’t steer you wrong!
If you want to learn how to listen to your intuition, how to talk to it and how to trust it by CLICKING
HERE.
Once you start listening to your intuition, you’ll be amazed how much your life clicks into place. Then you can truly start enjoying yourself. CLICK HERE to find out more!
