…Don’t react!
When you are attacked, it’s easy to react.
When we are verbally attacked, we react because it triggered something in us. It’s our natural instinct to defend ourselves. Imagine if someone were throwing a punch at you. What is your first instinct? To throw up your arms in defense. At that point you’re in fight or flight mode. Your cortisol is spiking, and your senses are heightened, making it easy to react.
That’s the same thing that we do when someone verbally attacks us. Our first instinct is to defend ourselves. So, we often say something in reaction. Reacting comes from emotions whereas responding comes from thoughts, a calmer state of mind.
The trigger could be an old memory or emotion, perhaps even dating back to childhood. The majority of us have old childhood wounds that we have we not healed primarily because we don’t know we have them. Others may realize they have these wounds but either don’t want to deal with them or brush them off because they’re too painful.
It’s Conditioning at Its Worst
If you don’t want to deal with your old wounds, that’s up to you. They will keep resurfacing until you do. Learning to let things go instead of reacting to triggers, will at least enable a thoughtful response vs an emotional reaction. [See part one about pushing the pause button for more information on how to do this. Click here.]
If you grew up with verbal abuse or live with it now, then you become conditioned to it. You almost expect it. That doesn’t mean that you are able to calm down and respond. It means you are more likely to lash out in your own defense. If you’re used to being picked on, it’s easy to see how your first impulse is to fight back. Your mind and body get used to that pattern.
For a list of verbal abuse examples, click here. It’s important to understand even “smaller” things that we may not consider abuse, actually are. For example, if someone says something rude to you that’s technically verbal abuse. If you ask them calmly to stop and their retort is, “Never!” that’s also abuse.
Being verbally abused repeatedly is like dogs that are abused. Over time they cower. Initially they growled or barked or fought back in some way to defend themselves. Repeated verbal abuse has the effect of making people cower in the sense that they could become immune to it over time, become abusive too or fight back until their spirit is broken, like dogs.
Sometimes when we defend ourselves, we don’t realize that we may be being abusive ourselves. If someone calls you a name and your first response is to name call back, that’s not just stooping to their level, it’s technically abuse too.
If someone says something ugly to you and you threaten them hoping, to make it stop, then that’s abuse too.
Resist Temptation to React
If you don’t want to be guilty of being abusive, your best strategy is, “When they attack, I don’t react.” Let that be your new mantra.
Just realizing that pattern is a big “aha” moment. Now you can break the cycle. Now you can stop feeling bad about yourself. Now you can stop creating or perpetuating issues with people that you care about.
It’s not your fault when someone verbally abuses you. It is your “fault” if you react. So, it’s your responsibility to not react. Only you can control what comes out of your mouth, not them. Only they control what comes out of their mouth, not you. So, yes, it is their fault they abuse you, but you can’t change them. All you can do is protect yourself and not abuse back.
The best way to protect yourself is to not react.
When we react not only do we descend to their level, eventually we feel bad about ourselves. If we have some self-awareness, that is. Most people who react to abuse with abuse don’t realize that they’re doing that. It doesn’t make it right, it just means it wasn’t intentional. You can’t know you’re doing it if you don’t know you’re doing it.
Dishing back the abuse could be for many reasons, but the most common one is that we are conditioned to act this way due to our circumstances. Most likely we grew up with it somewhere. It didn’t have to be at home, maybe it was a teacher or other respected adult.
It’s Not About You
When we are abused by someone in authority like a parent or teacher or respected person like a priest or pastor, it’s very confusing. If a respected person abuses, it normalizes the bad behavior. Over time we learn that it’s ok to be treated this way and possibly act the same, through no fault of our own.
Abuse has nothing to do with us. It’s always about the other person, the abuser. Likewise, if you are the abuser, it’s about you, not your victim. For some reason you or whoever the perpetrator is, are this way. The victim didn’t ask for it. Even if the victim abuses back, the abuser is the one who starts it. If the victim fights back, they perpetuate it. And that is about them.
That’s why it’s best to remember, “If I don’t react, they won’t attack.”
They may have already attacked you, but if you react back, i.e. dish out some verbal abuse in defense, they will continue to attack and abuse. Just like in a fist fight. If the other person lands the first punch and you punch back, the fight continues. Punching back is the green light to continue. Just as reacting back is the green light to continue abusing you.
If you don’t fight back, or react, they may continue to abuse you but if you put up boundaries or walk away, depending on the person, they may eventually stop. Just like bullies get tired of harassing the kid who won’t fight back, whoever is abusing you may do the same thing. It’s not fun when there’s no reaction.
It’s a Cycle…that You Can Break
I say “fun” lightly of course but on some level, bullies get a kick out of hurting people, that’s one reason they do it. They live for the reaction. They were probably bullied too at some point, so they unknowingly perpetuate the cycle. It doesn’t make it right, but that’s how it happens. The cycle lives on.
If you want to break the cycle of being verbally abused, you can do your part by not reacting. We can never “make” a person do anything, but how we react or respond can affect how they treat us in the future. This is a classic example.
By reacting, once we gain self-awareness, we feel bad about it. Then we blame and shame ourselves. Let’s not go there. Forgive yourself. You knew no better. If you were abused growing up and reacted, you probably didn’t have a good example of what responding looks like. Or maybe you saw that responding got you nowhere, so you went back to defense mode, because at least you felt like you were standing up for yourself.
I’m not a football fan but I believe this is correct. It certainly is true of life if not football. Being on offense is a much stronger position than being on defense. It’s easier to lose the ball on defense or make a mistake just like it’s easier to lose your cool when you’re on defense, i.e. being abused.
Forgiveness Is Key
First, it takes self-awareness to recognize the pattern – both yours and the abuser’s. Then it takes practice and patience with yourself to learn to be on offense, i.e. not reacting to abuse but giving a thoughtful response instead. Forgiving yourself is key.
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools that humankind can use. It frees us up to stop criticizing ourselves and others. It allows us to clear ourselves and holds a space to move on.
It’s not about letting yourself off the hook. If you did wrong, then be accountable for it. Take responsibility. Apologize if need be. Then continue to strive to be your best self. If you mess up, it’s ok. Lather, rinse, repeat. Meaning, learn from it, repeat the process.
See what you did “wrong.” Acknowledge to yourself or the other person that you were coming from a hurt place. You were triggered. It doesn’t make it right, but it explains it. Then apologize to yourself and the other person. Then go back to forgiving yourself so you aren’t tempted to beat yourself up. Beating yourself up serves no purpose and keeps you stuck. And keeps the cycle going.
Break the cycle by forgiving yourself. You will feel free. While you’re at it, forgive the abuser too because they know no better. [Click here for more reading on this subject.]
Lastly, don’t expect the abuser to apologize just because you did or you stopped reacting. They may or may not. Apologizing shouldn’t be done in hopes that they will do the same. Do it because you want to, because you feel it’s the right thing to do. By doing so, you will feel better about yourself. Then you’ve broken your cycle.
Stay tuned for part 3 in this series!
Are you uncertain as to when to stand up for yourself and when not to? Do you question yourself as a result? What do you do about it? Ask your intuition! It will guide you. It won’t steer you wrong!
If you want to learn how to listen to your intuition, how to talk to it and how to trust it by CLICKING
HERE.
Once you start listening to your intuition, you’ll be amazed how much your life clicks into place. Then you can truly start enjoying yourself. CLICK HERE to find out more!
